therelevantrhino

We’ve gone over my personal feelings about religion, so since this being the particular time of year it is, I thought I’d give some of you folks some insight into what Christmas is like for us non-believers.

Christmas Eve:

Roll out of bed around eleven-eleven thirtyish, bask in the darkness of your room and thank science for the technology to keep the rays of the sun out, light cigarette.

Amble downstairs, scratch aimlessly, start coffee, curse a non-existent deity for not having the foresight to set the automatic timer on your heathen coffee(/espresso) maker.

While waiting for the coffee to brew, read morning affirmation from “The God Delusion”, take a few bong rips, light another cigarette.

After coffee, crossword, and more bong rips and cigarettes-  a breakfast of partially aborted chicken fetuses (and organic feta cheese…and chanterelle mushrooms), the carved flesh of a cloven, unclean beast, and the innards of a tuber. And more coffee. Followed by a good chuckle over people’s ridiculous supernatural belief systems.

3:30pm- finish up breakfast, crack open the wine, and be happy you were able to score the last two bottles of Vina Cobos Bramare Malbec(nothing too fancy or heavy…it’s early)on a Sunday morning while the rest of your town was at church. Light another cigarette.

4:20pm- ……………………………………………..’ere…………………………………………………………………

5:15pm- Read evening affirmation from “Living without God”, maybe put on Clerks II, grab some popcorn, and relax.

7:50pm- Head out to a gathering of closely acquainted fellow humans, eat super-elitist smoked and glazed carcass of an aforementioned cloven, unclean beast with extremely liberal portions of side dishes, and an after-dinner scotch(perhaps a 15yr. old Laphroaig from the godless isles of Scotland).

9:10pm- step outside for a smoke… because while the humans who co-habitate the dwelling you’re visiting don’t believe in something as undeniably stupid as an omnipresent, significantly more cruel than compassionate, bearded old man on a fluffy white cloud, they do believe that smoking indoors is grounds for an ass-whuppin’.

After exchanging tokens of our self-loathing attachment to consumerism and obligation, we all agree that not bowing to our corporate masters and buying from local, independently owned businesses was the right decision- if for no other reason that it’s up to us as humans to take care of each other…because there is no god.

Somewhere around one-ish, you thank your hosts and depart-fed, loved, gifted, and confident that you simply enjoy their company and love them, you’ll see your hosts even when you’re not commanded to do so by Hallmark, church, or advertising agencies.

It’s a long-held belief that Christmas day is spent entirely on the couch watching football, drinking micro-brewed beer, and reflecting on all that you and your loved ones had a decent fuckin’ year in spite of the fact that George W. Bush is still prez’nint for 28 more days, or that you your significant other/partner/life partner/mistress/fuck-buddy lost their job when their company shut down due to the fuckin’ depression, their hard work, focus, education, and drive will find them a new gig much faster than prayer.

Thanks to my indefatigable contacts in the “lib-rul” media, your Relevant Rhino was able to obtain a copy of the initial phone conversation between IL crook dumbfuck governor Rod Blagojevich and top Chicago criminal attorney Ed Genson.

In case some kiddies happen upon this blog, it has been censored for sensitive eyes.

Blago: So what the ****, Ed, can we ******* clear me of this *********** or what?

Genson: Well, we’ll do what we can, Rod, the evidence against you is overwhelming.

Blago: *******************payin’ you for ********************with a goldfish*****************down a staircase**********************in the ********** river, you ***********piece of *******************on your mother’s grave.

Genson: Erm, Governor,  we’re trying to get the tapes thrown out, and we’re working to discredit any witnesses. It’s going to take some time. The charges are very serious.

Blago: I don’t give a ************************************** charges! **** the ******* charges with a *******************wrought iron ***************** candelabra************** rotting ******* fish. *************** witnesses can’t *************** talk with my ***************** so far up their ****************** they can’t ********************* breathe without tasting ******* leather. I ******* know people, and those ******************people really *************** hurt people.

It goes on like that for around four hours. Suffice it to say, the disgraced governor is going to have his work cut out for him.

And you thought their world couldn’t possibly get more bleak…

In what could best be described as the colorless, soulless domino theory, the current financial meltdown has effected every element of our society. No where else is this more apparent than in the Emo community. Throngs of the perpetually, unnecessarily depressed are being forced to find new depths of darkness as a result of skyrocketing unemployment, financial insecurity, and home foreclosures.

“This is like, bullshit, er whatever”, said one Emo kid at a coffee shop in Manhattan’s SoHo district. “Have you tried to buy an Atreyu album lately? There all like, gone.”

Setting his razor blade aside and brushing the bangs out of his eyes so this reporter could see the darkness through the window of his vacuous, depleted soul, another dipshit Emo kid told me,

“I like, tried to get tickets to a Taking Back Sunday show, but there were all these fucking stock broker type assholes in line in front of me. I literally thought I was going to die. Do you think any of those fucktards know how to dance like they’re kicking a puppy? Fuck no, they probably dance like Napoleon Dynamite, er whatever.”

Thus far, there is no clear evidence as to how this will end for the Emo community, though in the humble opinion of this reporter, all signs point to carbon-monoxide asphyxiation…gas prices are dropping. One would like to think, however, that the stupid fucking Emo kids would rebel. Instead of offing themselves en masse in a final act of protest in the lawn seats at a Shakespeare’s Sister concert, they could perform a true act of rebellion. Maybe buy some tie-dyes, Guats, and go to some String Cheese shows. Sell some fucking ganja goo balls, make shitty batiked t-shirts with the mangled visage of Bob Marley, or cook some veggie burritos.

Really, what’s the point of being pale, depressed, and a gigantic pussy if everyone else is doing it, too?

 As promised, here is the second installment of me unapologetically ripping off Ben Cohen. In keeping with the spirit of my first post, I’ll try not to repeat names. This one should be a bit easier, but I’ll show you what I’m up against. Cohen’s list included: William Kristol, Bill-O T.Troll, Sean Manatee, Michelle Malkin, Rapture Ready Bible Spice, Dicks Morris and Cheney, Mittens Romney, Alan Greenspan, and Dubya.

So how am I going to find ten GOPers with those taken? I guess you’ll just have to continue reading Rhino’s Completely Original List Of Ten Republicans That Need To Be Packaged Without Bubble Wrap And Shipped Without Insurance Via UPS To Darfur™

Karl Rove Ah, yes, Turdblossom. The man behind King George. The heaping sack of shit that outed Valerie Plame. The genius that thought that after 2004 there would be a “permanent Republican majority”. Guess what, Rover? The divide and conquer strategy won’t work for decades now, and it’s all your fucking fault. You succeeded in turning this country into one long political campaign, and in doing so exposed every weakness and flaw in the Republican Party. You are directly responsible for a 110 seat Democratic swing in the House, and bare minimum 18 seat Democratic swing in the Senate. Dude, you suuuuuuuuuuck…

Michele Bachmann (R-MN) Any Democrats fed up with Idaho are hereby invited to move into Minnesota’s 6th District and vote this bat-shit crazy, Jesus-humping, rights restricting, wide-eyed fucking wingnut the hell out of office. From spying on a gay rights protest, to claiming that global warming is a hoax, to calling for a revival of the House Un-American Activities Committee, this freak of fucking nature has probably done more to get people involved in politics than nearly anyone else. Two more years, bitch…two more years.

Paul Wolfowitz One of the members of both AEI and The Project For A New American Century, and one of the “masterminds” of the Iraq debacle. Wolfie fucked up his post heading up World Bank, then decided to try his hand at warmongering. Back in ‘03, he admitted knowing the run-up to the war was a house of fucking cards built on lies, and clearly cared as much for that as Don Imus does the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team.

Eric Cantor (R-VA) Sniveling, whiny, arrogant, and prickish. Anti-choice, anti-rights, anti-civil liberties, clueless to the ways of government, and just flat the fuck out douchey looking, Cantor has become one of the most reliable voices for the conservative movement. By blaming every problem he can on “teh lib-ruls” without realizing that, more often than not, his party was right there the whole time (usually in the majority), he proves that you don’t need brains to get elected. No, you simply need to scare the shit out of your undereducated constituency.

Chuck Norris Chuck, put the fucking cowboy hat back on and ride off into the god damn sunset. I know, it’s probably nice to have Joe Scarborough give you a rim job in real time, and the fact that Pat Buchanan is holding his head seems all the more exciting, but it’s just unbearable. Every time I see your know-nothing ass on TV,  a loop plays in my head of you getting the shit beat outta you by Bruce Lee. Over and over. I don’t hear your hackneyed talking points; I don’t hear your ill-informed vitriol. The only thing I hear is, “Waa-taaaaaah!”

Elisabeth Hasselbeck You’re a loser. Your husband is a loser. You deserve fame the way cancer deserves a good rep. It’s not that you couldn’t have an opinion unless Matt Drudge gave one to you, or that your talking points make the same hollow sound as that pea-sized brain rattling around in your head. Nor is it those vacuous, soulless eyes. It’s that you’re fucking dumb enough to believe what you’re saying. And that is dangerous. Please, for the love of the god you believe in, go home (for good), and ask your husband how it’s remotely possible to be the only quarterback in the NFL ever to receive a zero passer rating.

Alberto Gonzales How do I loathe thee? “I do not recall”. From inside the Justice Dept., you did more to obfuscate and circumvent the rule of law than nearly anyone else in the Bush White House. I’m not sure if it’s possible to file perjury charges every time you open that sneering fucking maw, but I do know a couple of lawyers that would be willing to give it a shot. You turned the Justice Department into an exercise not of political loyalties, but loyalties exclusive to George Bush. You’re a fucking criminal, and deserve to be perp-walked from Austin to D.C.- on camera.

Steve Schmidt “Kingmaker”? How about massive, boorish, inept fucking loser… No one bothered to tell this jackass that it wasn’t 2003 anymore, and that because of the dirty tricks he played to get Dubya elected, the world had changed- America had changed, and we weren’t going to fall for the same underhanded, divisive, self-mocking, bullshit scams that worked so well for him in ‘02-’04. Steve “Call Me Luthor” Schmidt deserves a special place in hell for being one of the “vetters” of Rapture Ready Bible Spice. Sure, give us the dumb as a post wingnut with the scandals, that’ll be great for democracy…giant, bald, assferret.

Leslie Sanchez CNN “political analyst” and windbag extraordinaire, Ms. Sanchez spent an entire election season repeating the same tired, debunked lies not only about Barack Obama, but any Democrat in any race. She’s a hate-filled troll in an anorexic’s body, with the same hollow, black eyes as nearly every other GOPundit on TV. The words “civil discourse” seem to get tossed right out the window every time this hag gets a bit of camera time. Your non-analysis, your constant misrepresentation of the facts, and your abhorrence to the truth should be cause to have you standing in a bread line, waiting on an unemployment check with 2 million other Americans.

Mitch McConnell(R-KY) I don’t usually say things like, “this withered piece of shit looks like a pedophile”, or, “seeing this fucktard’s face photoshopped onto the members of the Village People was the funniest thing I saw in a month”, so I’m not going to do that here. Mitch has said that in an Obama Administration, his job will be to use the filibuster as a matter of course regardless of the legislation. That is fucking treason. Mitch, if you’re going to be an obstructionist, I recommend you start by plugging the hole in John McCain’s ass now that Joe LIEberman isn’t up it anymore.

I suppose I should go ahead and give a hat tip to Mr. Cohen for giving me a reason to do this. I should also give a hat tip to Polianiac for posting about this earlier.  I’m going to do my best to not give a repeat performance of Ben’s list, but there are some assholes on both sides of the aisle (or in LIEberman’s case, hovering face down, ass up across the aisle) that bear mentioning again. So without further ado, let the potential libel begin…

We’ll go ahead and start with Rhino ’s Semi-Original List Of Ten Democrats That Need To Be Drug Out Into The Street And Beaten With A Neon Pink, Spiked Rubber Chicken By David Caruso™

Rep. Charles Rangel(D-NY) During his tenure as the Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, Rep. Rangel failed to report $75,000 in income from a villa he owns in the Dominican Republic. While it may seem like a run of the mill thing for some rich fuck to misrepresent his income, this assferret Chairs the fucking House Ways and Means Committee…it’s his job to make sure this doesn’t happen. 

Cindy Sheehan  Cindy, it was cool that you were a pissed off mom who lost a son in an unjust and unnecessary war, but you stopped being relevant about six seconds after Michael Moore took his tongue out of your ass. The fact that you were the only person that the 8th District of California could find to run against Nancy Pelosi not only speaks volumes on the shallowness of the folks in the “Rollin’ Over” 8th, but is a testament to your stature as a camera whore. Please, do your country a favor…go back to the fucking tent city you built next to the Bush ranch in Crawford, go 60 feet from the nearest oil rig, and start drilling for your fucking self-respect.

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) Madame Speaker, not only do I agree with Ben Cohen’s assessment that you belong on this list because you took impeachment off the table, I argue that you need to be held fait accompli alongside BushCo for your constant subversion of the Constitution by refusing to do your fucking job. You have stood beyond idly by as the fabric of our democracy has been raped and pillaged, you’ve fucking helped. By voting for Iraq, FISA, the Patriot Act, offshore drilling (when you fucking knew it was a scam), and yes, refusing to impeach a god damn war criminal, you are an enabler. You’re like a bar that lets you trade in your 2 week chip for free drinks. Oh, and your book sucked, too.

Heath Schuler (D[barely]-NC) Rep. Schuler is a member of the Blue Dog Coalition, opposes reproductive rights for women, opposes LGBT rights, and once threw five interceptions as quarterback for the Redskins. In fact, Rep. Schuler was rated the 4th biggest draft bust in NFL history, and his career as a Democrat has gone the same way. Fer fuck’s sake, Heath, you represent Asheville…Asheville!! And word on the street has it that you’re eyeing Richard Burr’s Senate seat. Alls I gots ta say about that is there’s a Relevant fucking Rhino moving to your (red) neck of the woods in a matter of days, and I’m going to do everything in my power to get Brad Miller elected to the seat once held by John Edwards. Hey, John Edwards…anyone else feel a segue comin’?

John Edwards Dude, really? You could’ve had your pick of Secretary of Labor, HUD, Commerce(which would’ve given Bill Richardson State, ya dumbfuck), any number of other key positions in the upcoming administration, to say nothing of being the first guy in 40 years to keep your Senate seat…but noooooooo! You went and got caught fuckin’ around on your wife. Your cancer stricken wife! That’s the kind of bullshit someone like John McCain pulls ya fucktard! I guess during all that talk about two Americas, you felt as though in one of them, you weren’t married. And for the love of Jeebus, man, if you’re going to throw away your marriage and political career on a piece of ass, why that one? You’re John Edwards! Fuck around with someone half your age! Dumbass…

Harry Reid (D- NV) If “spineless fucking coward” was an entry in the dictionary, Sen. Reid’s picture wouldn’t be next to it- for the sole reason that the spineless fucking coward wouldn’t show up to have it taken. Harry Reid is a bigger disappointment than the Detroit Lions. He’s about as convincing as Fran Drescher playing Joan of Ark. He rules the Senate like the Democrats are still in the minority, and he doesn’t want to do anything to piss off Dick Cheney. And yes, he’s complicit in every major Bush scandal I can think of, and probably thirty I haven’t even heard of yet. I couldn’t be happier that Nevada Lt. Gov. Brian Krolicki was indicted- not only does that eliminate the GOP challenger for Reid’s spot in 2010, it opens the door for an actual Democrat to run against him and use his spec-fucking-tacular failures as a platform. Competent progressives, there’s available real estate in Nevada calling your name.

David Sirota For being nothing more than a self-serving asshole who posts the same tripe on the Huffington Post, Open Left, the Daily Kos, Democratic Underground, and www.PleaseForTheLoveOfGodListenToDavidSirota.com without bothering to change even one percent of the fucking content.

Ben Affleck  Again, word on the street is that the same guy who decided Reindeer Games was a good idea is planning a run at the House of Representatives in the next few years. Ben, before you start, stop. There is an unfortunate history of actors prat-falling their way into Washington, and it should’ve fucking stopped with Reagan. No one wants your wildly gesturing, bloviating ass hamming it up through the Rotunda. No one. Not now, not ever. Think of a congressional run as your post-Hollywood Gilgi.

Charles Barkley Yep. I said it…Sir Charles has already announced that he’ll run for Governor of Alabama in 2014. Why 2014? Because that’s how long he has to wait in order to run for office as a resident of the state. Let me be the first to say that we already have an incomprehensible giant representing a disenfranchised group of Americans on a national level. His name is Barney Frank, and he’s doing just fine by himself. No offense, Charles, but you’d be the British Knights of politics.

Joe LIEberman (Lame Duck- CT) As the sun sets on Holy Joe’s political career, let me be the first to say this: Romney/Lieberman 2012. It’ll be the ultimate mindfuck, and make for the first 500+ Electoral Vote victory for a Democrat ever. There is little I can say that hasn’t already been said about Joe the Judas, but I’m gonna try. Joe, it was bad enough when you spent two months with your head so far up John McCain’s ass that every time he burped, he coughed up a bit more of Lindsey Grahm. But shilling for Norm Coleman and Susan Collins was just fucking despicable. Not only did you deserve to lose your Chairmanship of HSGAC…you deserve a fate much worse than that…what your actual punishment should have been is something out of the Spanish Inquisition. Yup, the entire cast of Monty Python’s Flying Circus should be allowed to burst into the Senate, red costumes and all, and chain you to your seat while they simultaneously flog you with six week old herring, Spam, Spam, Spam, concrete blocks and Spam, and a plexiglass copy of the Constitution. Fuck you, Joe LIEberman, and the losing coattails you rode in on.

P.S.- Don’t worry, the Republicans are next…

Several sources confirmed yesterday that the US economy is officially in a recession, and has been since 2007. In case some other “breaking” stories have slipped past you, I’ve decided to chronicle them here.

On September 11th 2001,  the United States was attacked by 19 men from Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, and Afghanistan. And by that, I mean Iraq.

The 1918 World Series was thrown by John Cusak.

M. Knight Shamalan will surprise you with a twist.

I have it on good authority that Mt. St. Helens may erupt sometime in the ’80’s.  So just make sure you’re at that Grateful Dead show in Portland and look north during “Fire on the Mountain”

Mama Cass won’t make it to 40.

Against all odds, Flava Flav will.

Just in case you’ve been asleep for the last eight years, our Constitution has been turned into a cleaning rag, thousands of people have died for no good reason at all, billions in profit have been made as a direct result of their needless deaths, our economy has been eviscerated by followers of Ayn Rand, and cannabis is still illegal.

Oh, and the dirigible is making a comeback.

In a Rhino News Exclusive, your intrepid reporter was privileged enough to sit in on the pleas from the CEOs of the Big Three in Washington earlier today.  Here, in its entirety, is the closing statement from Rick Wagoner, CEO of General Motors, INC.:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the committee, fellow fat cats, tycoons, and robber barons, now is the November of our discontent.  We come to you not as titans of industry, but as old, white men. And like millions of other old, white men, we’re concerned for our immediate future- the rest of the world be damned. You see, we learned something these last few months, thanks to you in Washington and our fellow brethren on Wall St.- we learned that success isn’t measured by profits, losses, or bottom lines. No, success is measured by how horribly one can fuck up, over, and over, and over, ignoring all signs along the way that beg and plead for you to change and adapt to the world at large, and still have the clout to get hundreds of billions of dollars from a spineless and easily duped government that has been in bed with you for so long, the pillow has a head imprint. So we come before you today, as humbly as men that own their own islands can, to ask you the same question posed by Wall St.- Give us all your fucking money! Now, at first, that may not seem like a question, but bear in mind that we’ve spent our entire lives simply taking without bothering to demand money up front, so this is freakin’ huge for us. This money will provide us with the kind of multi-billion dollar safety net we have grown accustomed to, and just like Wall St., we won’t be sharing it with the little guy. But unlike Wall St., we’re not asking for a $700billion loan we’ll never pay back or use to help the average American. We’re only asking for $25billion- roughly what our board of directors will spend this holiday season. See, we have no plans whatsoever to bail anyone but ourselves out, and as such, we can come to you with a much lower number. So, in conclusion, we ask that you look at this not as a $25billion giveaway to an industry that has spent the last three decades dragging its feet and refusing to make affordable, energy-efficient, non-polluting vehicles, but merely as a monetary throwaway roughly equal to 17% of what Wall St. treated itself to in the form of bonuses for completely fucking up our financial system.”

That’s it. I’m over it…I’m done. All that hard work down the fucking drain. I can’t take it anymore. 72 hours of disappointment after disappointment, and it’s only going to get worse.

First there was the victory celebration in Grant Park, where Obama didn’t single me out and thank me personally for all of my hard work; all of the hours I put in making calls and knocking on doors, and writing letters to editors, and, most importantly, all of my blogging. Where the fuck does he get off?!?

Then I find out that barely five seconds after he became the President Elect, he did exactly what they said he was going to do: meet with terrorists without pre-conditions! They even said so on the TeeVee, yup yup, he’s going to sit down with George W. Bush!

And then, he said he’d name Rahmmy as his COS! Fucker! That was supposed to be my gig! I earned it! But nooooo! After campaigning to return America to the way it operated, at least fiscally, under Clinton, he went and chose someone from the Clinton White House! Bastard! Where’s the Change?

David Axelrod as his adviser! Pffffft! All that guy did was run the tightest ship in politics! Robert Gibbs as Press Secretary…ya know what? Fuck that four-eyed Opie! All he did was own Hannity’s ass on Fixed News and be a constant voice of reason in the sea of madness that was the 2008 Election season.

Judas!

I’m at the end of my damn rope. All this talk about open government, and we’ll have a place, and our voice will count…and all he does is build a damn website where we can do just that! Where’s the email with the private number to the Oval Office? Where’s the personal invitation to the Correspondent’s Dinner? After all, I spent months and months forcing my opinion on the blogosphere…that’s corresponding if ya ask me.

So that’s it. I quit. I tender my resigfuckingnation immediately. If Barack Obama can’t force Harry Reid to publicly flog Joe LIEberman with a spiked rubber chicken, what’s the point? I mean, the troops aren’t even back yet! Unicorns haven’t returned to Earth! The stock market isn’t above 15,000!

Yup. FTW, I’m out.

Cross-posted at the Daily Kos . Yup, that Daily Kos.

By Reid Tim, The Limes of Tondon: Though much less senior than the Senator, John McCain’s senior advisers have drawn up plans for the Senator to shuffle loose the mortal coil should he accidentally wind up President on Nov. 4th. Sources close to the McCain campaign have stated, on conditions of anonymity, that on the off chance the Senator manages to steal the election through massive voter suppression and fraud, he will effectively die in office on Tues, Jan. 21st, 2009.

This will usher in the age of Palin, which will be viewed in black and white by the rest of the world…picutre the beginning of the Wizard of Oz, if it helps. One McCain surrogate, we’ll call her Pfancy Notenhauer, said, “We look forward to stealing this election, and taking the United States back. And by back, I mean to the 13th Century.”

Amid rumors of impending mortality, John McCain himself told the Limes of Tondon, “My friends, why the hell would I want to live in a world with Sarah Palin as the President. She’ll freakin’ kill us all.”

I haven’t posted anything today, and I’m in a decent mood, so I figured I’d do this until I’m drunk enough to do anything of significance later this evening…