therelevantrhino

And you thought their world couldn’t possibly get more bleak…

In what could best be described as the colorless, soulless domino theory, the current financial meltdown has effected every element of our society. No where else is this more apparent than in the Emo community. Throngs of the perpetually, unnecessarily depressed are being forced to find new depths of darkness as a result of skyrocketing unemployment, financial insecurity, and home foreclosures.

“This is like, bullshit, er whatever”, said one Emo kid at a coffee shop in Manhattan’s SoHo district. “Have you tried to buy an Atreyu album lately? There all like, gone.”

Setting his razor blade aside and brushing the bangs out of his eyes so this reporter could see the darkness through the window of his vacuous, depleted soul, another dipshit Emo kid told me,

“I like, tried to get tickets to a Taking Back Sunday show, but there were all these fucking stock broker type assholes in line in front of me. I literally thought I was going to die. Do you think any of those fucktards know how to dance like they’re kicking a puppy? Fuck no, they probably dance like Napoleon Dynamite, er whatever.”

Thus far, there is no clear evidence as to how this will end for the Emo community, though in the humble opinion of this reporter, all signs point to carbon-monoxide asphyxiation…gas prices are dropping. One would like to think, however, that the stupid fucking Emo kids would rebel. Instead of offing themselves en masse in a final act of protest in the lawn seats at a Shakespeare’s Sister concert, they could perform a true act of rebellion. Maybe buy some tie-dyes, Guats, and go to some String Cheese shows. Sell some fucking ganja goo balls, make shitty batiked t-shirts with the mangled visage of Bob Marley, or cook some veggie burritos.

Really, what’s the point of being pale, depressed, and a gigantic pussy if everyone else is doing it, too?

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