therelevantrhino

We’ve gone over my personal feelings about religion, so since this being the particular time of year it is, I thought I’d give some of you folks some insight into what Christmas is like for us non-believers.

Christmas Eve:

Roll out of bed around eleven-eleven thirtyish, bask in the darkness of your room and thank science for the technology to keep the rays of the sun out, light cigarette.

Amble downstairs, scratch aimlessly, start coffee, curse a non-existent deity for not having the foresight to set the automatic timer on your heathen coffee(/espresso) maker.

While waiting for the coffee to brew, read morning affirmation from “The God Delusion”, take a few bong rips, light another cigarette.

After coffee, crossword, and more bong rips and cigarettes-  a breakfast of partially aborted chicken fetuses (and organic feta cheese…and chanterelle mushrooms), the carved flesh of a cloven, unclean beast, and the innards of a tuber. And more coffee. Followed by a good chuckle over people’s ridiculous supernatural belief systems.

3:30pm- finish up breakfast, crack open the wine, and be happy you were able to score the last two bottles of Vina Cobos Bramare Malbec(nothing too fancy or heavy…it’s early)on a Sunday morning while the rest of your town was at church. Light another cigarette.

4:20pm- ……………………………………………..’ere…………………………………………………………………

5:15pm- Read evening affirmation from “Living without God”, maybe put on Clerks II, grab some popcorn, and relax.

7:50pm- Head out to a gathering of closely acquainted fellow humans, eat super-elitist smoked and glazed carcass of an aforementioned cloven, unclean beast with extremely liberal portions of side dishes, and an after-dinner scotch(perhaps a 15yr. old Laphroaig from the godless isles of Scotland).

9:10pm- step outside for a smoke… because while the humans who co-habitate the dwelling you’re visiting don’t believe in something as undeniably stupid as an omnipresent, significantly more cruel than compassionate, bearded old man on a fluffy white cloud, they do believe that smoking indoors is grounds for an ass-whuppin’.

After exchanging tokens of our self-loathing attachment to consumerism and obligation, we all agree that not bowing to our corporate masters and buying from local, independently owned businesses was the right decision- if for no other reason that it’s up to us as humans to take care of each other…because there is no god.

Somewhere around one-ish, you thank your hosts and depart-fed, loved, gifted, and confident that you simply enjoy their company and love them, you’ll see your hosts even when you’re not commanded to do so by Hallmark, church, or advertising agencies.

It’s a long-held belief that Christmas day is spent entirely on the couch watching football, drinking micro-brewed beer, and reflecting on all that you and your loved ones had a decent fuckin’ year in spite of the fact that George W. Bush is still prez’nint for 28 more days, or that you your significant other/partner/life partner/mistress/fuck-buddy lost their job when their company shut down due to the fuckin’ depression, their hard work, focus, education, and drive will find them a new gig much faster than prayer.

Wow. That took a while. After a semi-unintended hiatus involving around 1,000 miles, several hundred trips to and from a 16 ft. box truck, and the realization that we have way too much shit, I can sit down for the first time in a week and type.

Only I have no idea what’s going on. No TV, intertubez, or newspaper for a week. I’ll be posting infrequently over the next week, as we turn around tomorrow morning and head right back in the direction we came from for the holidays.

For what it’s worth, I had a great piece worked up the other night, but lost everything I’d written due to the wi-fi getting cut off. I’ll see if a few tokes and a nice glass of scotch can bring any of that back, but for the time being, I’ll start catching up on what I’ve missed while trying to find spots in this house for years worth of crap.

It’s late here in the Heartland, and I am pausing briefly to reflect on much more than another upcoming road trip to another state. For many years, I traveled wherever for whatever: be it because of orders, job, or the hell of it. The last year, however, has been different. Ya see, in the course of the last year, I will have gone virtually coast to coast with a stopover in the buckle of the Bible Belt. For opportunity, yes, but more so because of economics.

By the time that most of you get to this post, I’ll be on the road (again, cue the Willie Nelson). Due to the current economic situation, which if you’ve been paying attention has been happening for over a year now, I’ve had to move from the lovely mountains of California to the gray, soulless prairie of Kansas. And now, I’m off to the mountains again–this time in Appalachia.

When searching for someplace to call home (for however long it may be so), figuring out how the hell to pay for things takes precedent over everything else. Believe me, I didn’t want to leave my comfy little hamlet in the Santa Cruz Mountains and land in fucking Kansas. Are you kidding me? I miss that place every day. But we live in a country where people wake up and find themselves displaced due to someone else’s poor decisions. Sometimes it was a business owner that felt he could make more profit if he shipped the jobs overseas, other times it’s because it was cheaper to liquidate your stock and buy a plant in a right-to-work state where you could exploit workers without fear of recompense. Sometimes, you just get lucky, the river card comes up just right, and (by the skin of your teeth and some generous relatives) you get to go someplace truly kick ass to finish a degree in the hopes that your chosen field will be prosperous in a few years.

After an election based largely on the theme of change, we all need to be aware that change comes in all forms. The writer Terry Pratchett places a curse in several of his books. The curse says, “May you live in interesting times”.

Friends and neighbors, we live in interesting times.

I’m a huge Miles Davis fan; ‘Kind Of Blue’ has always been one of my favorites. I particularly love ‘So What’ for its improvisational journey through a basic, two chord progression.

Yesterday, however, I heard a “so what” I could have done without.

Martha Raddatz interviewed Dubya about his legacy, and yes, the shoe-thrower (by the way, you really want to click the link–I promise, you’ll crack up). I’m not going to get into the “shoe heard round the world” because I think what our lamest of lame duck President said regarding the whole of the Iraq war is more important.

[Bush] “Clearly, one of the most important parts of my job because of 9/11 was to defend    the security of the American people. There have been no attacks since I have been president, since 9/11. One of the major theaters against al Qaeda turns out to have been Iraq. This is where al Qaeda said they were going to take their stand. This is where al Qaeda was hoping to take …”

At this point, our re-writer in Chief was interrupted by Raddatz, whereupon she reminded him that al Qaeda had no presence in Iraq until he decided to invade. To which he replied:

Yeah, that’s right. So what? The point is that al Qaeda said they’re going to take a stand. Well, first of all in the post-9/11 environment Saddam Hussein posed a threat. And then upon removal, al Qaeda decides to take a stand. And they’re becoming defeated and I think history will say, one, the world was better off without Saddam, two, along with the Iraqi troops we have denied al Qaeda a safe haven…”

Except we haven’t denied al Qaeda a safe haven in Iraq. All reports from the ground admit that Iraq has become an entirely new front for the terror organization, and with friendlies on every border, an effective one at that. I’m sure if you look hard enough, you can find an article in some place like the Christian Science Monitor debating that, but you’d be getting your information from the CSM–and that would make you an idiot.

It’s not that Incurious George has ever been concerned with facts that pisses me off; rather, it’s his callous disregard for human life and inability to recognize his drastic fucking mistakes. Shrugging off the fact that our public enemy number one wouldn’t even be in Iraq unless he hadn’t decided to turn that country into a 400,000 hole desert golf course doesn’t even register with this complete and total fucktard. The 4,200+ American lives lost don’t matter, nor do the lives of over a million Iraqi citizens.

In 36 more days, we’ll inaugurate a new President, but for generations, we’ll be feeling the effects of the Bush Legacy. It will take much more than Barack Obama to restore our standing in the world; it will take all of us working together to achieve that goal.

While a leader (correctly or not) represents us globally, we need to freely and willingly immerse ourselves in other cultures, other beliefs, other ways of thinking, and yes, other religions. You don’t have to forsake the snake and apple for the flying horse and the black rock, but you should be at least half as aware of the Qu’ran as you are the Bible. American civilization just may depend on it.

We all know the patriotic, American way is to set up an offshore account for your business so that you don’t have to pay any of those damn liberal, commie taxes. It’s fulfilling your duty to your country (that you love so much you put a flag sticker on the back of your SUV to prove it) to outsource your jobs because 13 year-olds in third world countries don’t care about the bennies as much as they do that $1.26 a week.

In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s a lot of folks out of work lately. We’re experiencing the highest unemployment rates in nearly a half-century, and many more are expected. In order to keep jobs here in America, some of the “heartland”, or “rustbelt”, or “Redneckistan” states did what anyone would have done in their situation: they lied. They artificially lowered or decreased unemployment taxes on business to keep the jobs in their states. In cases like Indiana and Michigan, this created a “perfect storm“– while unemployment taxes went down, unemployment rates went up, causing those states to borrow money from the federal government to pay those benefits.

Indiana and Michigan have been insolvent for two months(in Indiana’s case) to a year (Michigan’s case), and as many as 30 other states are reaching the point of insolvency. While the cynical among us would say something asinine like, “get another job”, we don’t have them. Not ones that pay a living wage. Not ones that provide health insurance or retirement, at least. And now that union busting is becoming as fashionable as celebrity rehab, we won’t be seeing any jobs that offer incentives other than maybe scrimping by month to month.

The Wonka-vator couldn’t find our debt ceiling; we’ve (literally) spent the last eight years.  The Bush Administration expanded our deficit to the point that my grandchildren will be paying for their mistakes, and all he got were a pair of knock-off Capezios thrown at him? The party of small government and “fiscal conservatism” presided over the largest expansion of the federal government since the New Deal, and turned a balanced budget with a $5 billion surplus into an $11 trillion dollar debt.

These aren’t lazy, shiftless bums losing their jobs. They’re your friends, your neighbors, your loved ones. It’s time to cast aside the ri-damn-diculous notion that anyone without a job is a pariah, and try to find some fucking solutions.

Thanks to my indefatigable contacts in the “lib-rul” media, your Relevant Rhino was able to obtain a copy of the initial phone conversation between IL crook dumbfuck governor Rod Blagojevich and top Chicago criminal attorney Ed Genson.

In case some kiddies happen upon this blog, it has been censored for sensitive eyes.

Blago: So what the ****, Ed, can we ******* clear me of this *********** or what?

Genson: Well, we’ll do what we can, Rod, the evidence against you is overwhelming.

Blago: *******************payin’ you for ********************with a goldfish*****************down a staircase**********************in the ********** river, you ***********piece of *******************on your mother’s grave.

Genson: Erm, Governor,  we’re trying to get the tapes thrown out, and we’re working to discredit any witnesses. It’s going to take some time. The charges are very serious.

Blago: I don’t give a ************************************** charges! **** the ******* charges with a *******************wrought iron ***************** candelabra************** rotting ******* fish. *************** witnesses can’t *************** talk with my ***************** so far up their ****************** they can’t ********************* breathe without tasting ******* leather. I ******* know people, and those ******************people really *************** hurt people.

It goes on like that for around four hours. Suffice it to say, the disgraced governor is going to have his work cut out for him.

John McCain prophetically said he’d rather lose an election than a war. Well, he’s off to a decent start, and even though everyone on the ground has said that you can’t win occupations, there may be time for some armchair neo-con to claim victory right before we pull out. Or, as I like to call it, the “Catholic Win”.

We now know that Dubya is going to spend 14 of the remaining 15billion from the TARP funds to guarantee the auto industry in America doesn’t fail on his watch. This decision comes on the heels of the Senate rejecting a bill that would have given the Big Three a bridge loan during the waning days of Dubya’s piss poor excuse for an administration. We also know that the Senators responsible for killing the bill are, more often than not,  from states that are backed by non-Unionized foreign auto makers. Ironically, 18 Republican Senators, largely from the aforementioned states, voted for the $700billion bailout of Wall St., but voted against the $15billion bridge loan to assure that 3.2 million Americans would be able to keep their jobs and pay their bills.

Bob Bennett, UT, Richard Burr, NC, Saxby Chambliss, GA,Tom Coburn,OK
Norm Coleman, MN, Bob Corker, TN, John Ensign,NV, Chuck Grassley,IA,
Judd Gregg,NH, Orrin Hatch,UT, Kay Bailey Hutchison, TX,  Johnny Isakson,GA
John Kyl, AZ,  Mel Martinez, FL,  John McCain, AZ, Mitch McConnell,KY
Lisa Murkowski,AK,  John Thune, SD

Odd that with at least a third of these American Dream killing, big business kowtowing, hypocritical, fluffers of Wall St. up for reelection in two short years, they’d use this opportunity to exercise their outright hatred of Unions and bend over for foreign auto makers.

I come from a town that went from considerable independence to almost total reliance on revenue garnered from chain restaurants and big box stores as a result of GM shutting down 6 factories and shipping 85% of those jobs overseas or to Mexico. People I grew up with are living in their parent’s homes and taking night classes for a slim chance at a different career because they were new employees when the jobs went away, and factory life was all they knew. Now, the remaining 15% of those men and women that were already struggling to make a living may only be able to do so until January or February of next year. For no other reason than Dubya, and his fellow GOPers, feel threatened by Unions.

I will give the teensiest amount of credit to BushCo, though. Giving the Big Three just enough to get through the next two months means one less potential albatross to hang around their neck.

Fucking douchebags.

And you thought their world couldn’t possibly get more bleak…

In what could best be described as the colorless, soulless domino theory, the current financial meltdown has effected every element of our society. No where else is this more apparent than in the Emo community. Throngs of the perpetually, unnecessarily depressed are being forced to find new depths of darkness as a result of skyrocketing unemployment, financial insecurity, and home foreclosures.

“This is like, bullshit, er whatever”, said one Emo kid at a coffee shop in Manhattan’s SoHo district. “Have you tried to buy an Atreyu album lately? There all like, gone.”

Setting his razor blade aside and brushing the bangs out of his eyes so this reporter could see the darkness through the window of his vacuous, depleted soul, another dipshit Emo kid told me,

“I like, tried to get tickets to a Taking Back Sunday show, but there were all these fucking stock broker type assholes in line in front of me. I literally thought I was going to die. Do you think any of those fucktards know how to dance like they’re kicking a puppy? Fuck no, they probably dance like Napoleon Dynamite, er whatever.”

Thus far, there is no clear evidence as to how this will end for the Emo community, though in the humble opinion of this reporter, all signs point to carbon-monoxide asphyxiation…gas prices are dropping. One would like to think, however, that the stupid fucking Emo kids would rebel. Instead of offing themselves en masse in a final act of protest in the lawn seats at a Shakespeare’s Sister concert, they could perform a true act of rebellion. Maybe buy some tie-dyes, Guats, and go to some String Cheese shows. Sell some fucking ganja goo balls, make shitty batiked t-shirts with the mangled visage of Bob Marley, or cook some veggie burritos.

Really, what’s the point of being pale, depressed, and a gigantic pussy if everyone else is doing it, too?

Wait…you mean to tell me that a governor from Illinois is corrupt? Next you’re going to tell me that 60 seconds=1 minute. While the right is scrambling like the one lemming with common sense on the precipice of the cliff to wrap President-Elect Obama to Blago, the rest of us over here in the real world are pushing the IL state legislature, and/or the IL Supreme Court, to bounce Blago faster than you can say, “George W. Bush is a war criminal”.

Which brings me to the title of this post. I can’t help but notice that when a GOPer gets indicted, the right-and their propaganda machine-rally behind these crooks and say things like, “leftist conspiracy”, or, “witch hunt”, or, “he was just trying to get toilet paper off the bottom of his shoe”.

There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that Blago deserves to go to prison. In fact, the loudest cries are coming from Democrats in Washington- including the President-elect. Were it not for the push by Barack Obama to get ethics reforms passed in the IL state legislature, it would have been more difficult for Blago to get his indictment.

This sudden exercise in character on the part of the GOP looks about as convincing as UFOs in an Ed Wood flick. But it doesn’t stop with Blago.

Senator Arlen “magic bullet” Specter (Senile Old Man-PA) has called for a delay in the confirmation of Eric Holder. Never mind that he jumped on the bandwagon to fast track John Ashcroft, Alberto Gonzales, and Michael Mukasey. Never mind that Holder was appointed by Reagan, or that Holder himself prosecuted some very high profile Democrats. Nope, Specter is putting the brakes on the confirmation because Holder didn’t step in and cancel the pardon of Marc Rich.

I know, it sounds really fucking dumb to me, too.

Get used to this kind of behavior from Republicans, friends and neighbors. The same people that let it slide when Mukasey said waterboarding was only torture if it happened to him will stop at nothing to shove a broomstick in the spokes of progress.  So I’m going to ask you guys to do me a favor…in the next couple of weeks, write some Op-Ed pieces about some of the biggest disasters of the Bush Administration-and the members of Congress who were quick to usher them in. Chances are, you’ll find the same people are now playing obstructionist.

It’s been a pretty good week here in Rhinoland. In the last 36 hours, I’ve had my work showcased on BadGirlsRadio (podcast to follow), asked to be the Political Editor-In-Chief for the upcoming A World Of Progress Team-Zine(launching soonish), closed on a place to live in North Carolina(which is awesome, because we were moving next week regardless), and was just given this award-

Announcing the first “IPD Best Political Graphics Awards” .  Not bad for the start of a week.

Now, to get to something I should have included in an earlier post, but have been busy painting and boxing up our apartment, here are the last two entries in:  Rhino’s Completely Original List Of Ten Republicans That Need To Be Packaged Without Bubble Wrap And Shipped Without Insurance Via UPS To Darfur™

Rudy Giuliani The man who in June of 1999, against the advice of anyone with a pulse, placed the Mayoral Office of Emergency Management on the 23rd floor of the World Trade Center. The man who took off his dress long enough to switch party affiliation because he knew there was no way on the face of god’s gray Earth he could ever beat Ed Koch in a primary. Rudy…the only man in America to politicize the tragedy of September 11th more than George W. Bush. The man who turned 9/11 into a noun, a verb, a platform, an excuse, and a fucking trademark. Oh, and a way to make money. Rudy 9iu11ani opened a security consulting firm after his city was attacked on his watch and capitalized on the fears of his former constituents. Fucking classy.

But that’s not really why Rudy deserves to be on the list. It’s his snarling, sniveling, sneering, shameless, surreptitious slander that spewed out of his curled lips and forked fucking tongue during this year’s election cycle. The unabashed  glee he clearly felt at mocking the very members of his own fucking community that put their lives on hold to rebuild New York so he could claim it as his legacy. The lies and vitriol that flowed nonstop from the maw of a madman. Fuck you, Rudy. And I hope you run again. I never get tired of seeing you in drag. But until then, have fun fucking your cousin.

Ann Coulter Look. I’ll be honest. Yes, she looks like a barely post-op tranny with a bad fucking wig, and yes, if that Adam’s Apple gets any bigger, it’s going to take over her face. And yes, the bilious venom that drips out of those fangs and on to the air (or in print) should come with a giant advisory sticker that reads: Believing this shit will lower your standing on the evolutionary ladder. And yes, no one with the IQ of a semi-frozen Brontosaurs should take her any more seriously than a spam email claiming you are the heir to a fortune in Dubai. But hey, everyone needs a nemesis, right? And come on, if it wasn’t for Ann, we’d never have her female counterpart. Yup, I’m talking about Matt Drudge.