therelevantrhino

I truly hope this is the only time I have to delve into this subject. I’ve already seen a few posts here, and heard Bill-O T. Clown work himself up into a frenzy (need a loofah, Bill?) over the “War on Christmas”. File this under “yet another meaningless hunk of bullshit your CEOverlords want you to swallow to keep the base pumped”.

As with so many other “issues”, Christmas has become a battle of ideologies. There’s the arrogant and misguided Evangelical Right, and then there’s everyone else. People that celebrate their Jewish faith, people that buy into Kwanza (it’s fucking fake, and you know it, but I honestly don’t care about that), people that worship Cthulhu, or are Wiccan, pagan, snake-handlers, or Scientologists all get shunned from Nov. 1st through New Year’s.

Why? Because during the Roman colonization of, well, everywhere, traditional pagan holidays like the Winter Solstice and Roman feast days like Epiphany were lumped together and renamed. The original church leaders were opposed to the Dec. 25th holiday because it inaccurately claimed that date at the birth of Jesus. They felt as if people would be insulted, after all, who would be gullible enough to believe that Mary trekked through the desert in the middle of winter while nine months pregnant?

Flash forward several hundred years, to a place called America. The winter months are a slow economic time, and the geniuses on Madison Ave. need a way to stimulate spending. Around the mid 1880’s, at the height of Victorian pageantry and decadence, the Dec. 25th holiday was turned into a spending spree. The German icon St. Nikalaus was adopted and given a much less Teutonic moniker, and crass commercialism melded Vulcan-like into the holiday.

Why the history lesson, Rhino? Well, I’d hate to simply come out and say that if you’re pissed because the companies that sell you you’re “made in a third world country by children forced into slave labor” chinos say ‘Happy Holidays’ , then you need a fucking lobotomy. I would be remiss if I didn’t provide background before I said something like, “You’re fighting a fake war over a fake holiday about a fake person because you get all sex nuts and retard strong for Jeebus”.

The two most commonly associated side-effects of the holiday season are depression and alcoholism. The suicide rate rises dramatically, and the pressure to buy more and larger than you did last year is overwhelming. So I’ll make a deal with you, Fundamentalist wingnuts…if you drop this fake war on Christmas, I won’t have to tell you how fucking stupid it is ever again.

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