therelevantrhino

In a Rhino News Exclusive, your intrepid reporter was privileged enough to sit in on the pleas from the CEOs of the Big Three in Washington earlier today.  Here, in its entirety, is the closing statement from Rick Wagoner, CEO of General Motors, INC.:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the committee, fellow fat cats, tycoons, and robber barons, now is the November of our discontent.  We come to you not as titans of industry, but as old, white men. And like millions of other old, white men, we’re concerned for our immediate future- the rest of the world be damned. You see, we learned something these last few months, thanks to you in Washington and our fellow brethren on Wall St.- we learned that success isn’t measured by profits, losses, or bottom lines. No, success is measured by how horribly one can fuck up, over, and over, and over, ignoring all signs along the way that beg and plead for you to change and adapt to the world at large, and still have the clout to get hundreds of billions of dollars from a spineless and easily duped government that has been in bed with you for so long, the pillow has a head imprint. So we come before you today, as humbly as men that own their own islands can, to ask you the same question posed by Wall St.- Give us all your fucking money! Now, at first, that may not seem like a question, but bear in mind that we’ve spent our entire lives simply taking without bothering to demand money up front, so this is freakin’ huge for us. This money will provide us with the kind of multi-billion dollar safety net we have grown accustomed to, and just like Wall St., we won’t be sharing it with the little guy. But unlike Wall St., we’re not asking for a $700billion loan we’ll never pay back or use to help the average American. We’re only asking for $25billion- roughly what our board of directors will spend this holiday season. See, we have no plans whatsoever to bail anyone but ourselves out, and as such, we can come to you with a much lower number. So, in conclusion, we ask that you look at this not as a $25billion giveaway to an industry that has spent the last three decades dragging its feet and refusing to make affordable, energy-efficient, non-polluting vehicles, but merely as a monetary throwaway roughly equal to 17% of what Wall St. treated itself to in the form of bonuses for completely fucking up our financial system.”

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