therelevantrhino

Get used to hearing that phrase, friends and neighbors. You can also get used to hearing things like, “The Barack Obama of the Right”. Ya see  in two short years, Bobby Jindal, Gov. of Louisiana, is expected to be trotted out as the right’s next (last?) great hope. And I for one couldn’t be happier.

Bobby Jindal is a rising star in the GOP for good reason. He’s young, possibly more socially conservative than Rapture Ready Bible Spice, and a bona fide exorcist. In 1994 he wrote an essay for the New Oxford Review, a far-right leaning Catholic publication where he described in vivid detail the removal of a demon who had possessed a young woman. This came on the heels of his conversion to Catholicism from his native Hindu religion, and sounds like just the thing to get the “base” to overlook his, well, brownness.

The problem the Republican Party faces is that it simply can’t put a new face on old ideas and expect the public to buy that shit anymore. Limbaugh loves him, which makes me wonder if anyone’s told Mooselini that yet. After all, elRusho was one of her biggest (literally and figuratively) cheerleaders this cycle. Grover “Drown Government in the Bathtub” Norquist thinks the sun shines out of his ass, too. And our own mastermind, Lex Luthor incarnate Steve Schmidt has stated, “The question is not whether he’ll be president, but when he’ll be president, because he will be elected someday.” Take that one to the bank, friends and neighbors, because if there’s one thing Steve Schmidt knows, it’s how to win an election. Oh, wait, nevermind.

2012 is shaping up to be a battle of the Govs, as the only serious names being bandied about are either sitting or former Governors. Can you imagine the amount of at-the-ready material for the slime machines during a Republican primary between Bobby “The Power Of Christ Compels You” Jindal, Mittens “I Have Magic Underpants” Romney, Sarah “Bwahahahahahahahahahahhahaha” Palin, and Mike “Aw Shucks, Everything Is A Sin” Huckster?

I’ll bring the popcorn.

A stock clerk at a Long Island Wal-Mart was trampled to death this morning while trying to stem the surge of crazed Black Friday shoppers. Over 200 people stepped on and around this man as he struggled to get up and breathe. A pregnant woman miscarried as a result of the melee as well.

Until 2005, Wal-Mart, as well as one-fourth of other Fortune 500 companies, carried insurance policies called COLI (Corporate Owned Life Insurance), which allowed them to collect in the event of a low-income employee’s untimely death(without the employees knowledge or compensation to their families). In the corporate world, these policies were knows as “dead janitor”, or “dead pesants” insurance. Wal-Mart sued in an attempt to keep these policies, even though the US Senate passed a law banning the practice.

Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with people when they’ll trample another human being just so they can save a few fucking dollars? I know I’m painting with a broad brush, but how much do you wanna bet that the people who trampled this man to death are the same people that want to put the “Christ back in Christmas”?

In this age of crass consumerism, the dollar is God. A 50% off sale is more powerful than any sermon, and people will literally walk over one another to get a fucking Wii. I don’t know about you, friends and neighbors, but Black Friday has been on my “events I’ll never fucking attend…ever” list for quite a while, and now I have one more reason to avoid this spending orgy.

Slightly under two weeks ago, I was given the Lemonade Award from one of my new favorite bloggers, Kim, from A World Of Progress. You are now all commanded to visit AWOP (not a wop, you anti-Italian bastards) and read and comment and generally spread the love.

Apparently upon receiving this award, you are supposed to nominate 10 blogs and pass the award onto them. I thought about it, and realized that 10 may be too high a number, so I’m going to go with five.  Five sounds about right; I like prime numbers, and I don’t have to play by anyone’s rules by my damn own. So without further ado, and without repeats from my last round of shoutouts, here are my Single Malt Blog Awards.

The first award goes to the blog that gave me the lemonade award,

A World Of Progress : Thanks, Kim, for being one of the most socially conscious, active, and aware members of the blogosphere. For your constant reminders that we are all human, and deserve to be treated as such, take this bottle of single malt and drink, liberally.

Inspire Political Discourse : Also fairly new to me but tremendously comprehensive, IPD has become another one of my daily reads. If you enjoy your news with attitude and snark, and you obviously do if you’re reading this, stop on over and give Nicole some love. Thanks, IPD, for all that you do. Enjoy the bottle, and cheers.

Polianiac : One of our own here on Today.com, and one of the best. I look forward to Karen’s well thought out, researched, and exceptionally written socio-political commentary. So please, enjoy the whiskey…and if we bump into each other at the inauguration, we can enjoy some down at McCormick and Schmicks for realz, yo.

The Raging Rev.  : Because I have to kick down to a fellow non-theist. I just have to, we’re the most underrepresented group of people out there. For constantly challenging the status quo, have a drink on me. Cheers.

Waxing Poetically : Ah, Mikey LaPenna. Another one of our Today mafia. He’s actually a genuinely kind human being, which is why I can’t understand why he hangs out here as often as he does. In any event, he blends the written word with video in a way that enhances both. Go check him out. Mikey, here’s hoping you turn into an asshole when you get a bottle of Scotch in ya!

If I forgot you, or you’re feeling left out, wait and see if Santa drops you off an award in your estocking. And birdie, I mentioned you last time, so stop getting all huffy.

In case anyone is wondering why I ignored the right wing blogs this time…why the fuck are you wondering that?

Cheers

I truly hope this is the only time I have to delve into this subject. I’ve already seen a few posts here, and heard Bill-O T. Clown work himself up into a frenzy (need a loofah, Bill?) over the “War on Christmas”. File this under “yet another meaningless hunk of bullshit your CEOverlords want you to swallow to keep the base pumped”.

As with so many other “issues”, Christmas has become a battle of ideologies. There’s the arrogant and misguided Evangelical Right, and then there’s everyone else. People that celebrate their Jewish faith, people that buy into Kwanza (it’s fucking fake, and you know it, but I honestly don’t care about that), people that worship Cthulhu, or are Wiccan, pagan, snake-handlers, or Scientologists all get shunned from Nov. 1st through New Year’s.

Why? Because during the Roman colonization of, well, everywhere, traditional pagan holidays like the Winter Solstice and Roman feast days like Epiphany were lumped together and renamed. The original church leaders were opposed to the Dec. 25th holiday because it inaccurately claimed that date at the birth of Jesus. They felt as if people would be insulted, after all, who would be gullible enough to believe that Mary trekked through the desert in the middle of winter while nine months pregnant?

Flash forward several hundred years, to a place called America. The winter months are a slow economic time, and the geniuses on Madison Ave. need a way to stimulate spending. Around the mid 1880’s, at the height of Victorian pageantry and decadence, the Dec. 25th holiday was turned into a spending spree. The German icon St. Nikalaus was adopted and given a much less Teutonic moniker, and crass commercialism melded Vulcan-like into the holiday.

Why the history lesson, Rhino? Well, I’d hate to simply come out and say that if you’re pissed because the companies that sell you you’re “made in a third world country by children forced into slave labor” chinos say ‘Happy Holidays’ , then you need a fucking lobotomy. I would be remiss if I didn’t provide background before I said something like, “You’re fighting a fake war over a fake holiday about a fake person because you get all sex nuts and retard strong for Jeebus”.

The two most commonly associated side-effects of the holiday season are depression and alcoholism. The suicide rate rises dramatically, and the pressure to buy more and larger than you did last year is overwhelming. So I’ll make a deal with you, Fundamentalist wingnuts…if you drop this fake war on Christmas, I won’t have to tell you how fucking stupid it is ever again.

I think an organized and relevant opposition is vital to American politics. We currently don’t have that, but I would like to see one return. One that had a story to tell that didn’t end in “rape the planet”, or “Jeebus said so”, or “Free Market Uberalles”. A platform that said, “Outmoded ideology be damned, we need to move forward”. Tall order? Maybe, but I’m here to help.

I’m throwin’ you a bone here, GOP. You might want to pay attention, because it’s the last time I’m going to be this nice to you. Ever.

Much has been said and written about the hijacking of the GOP by “The Religious Right”(which is neither), so all that I’ll add to that is that if you’re counting on your base to plan for the future, you might want to have a base that isn’t expecting the Rapture at any second and are currently busy preparing their souls. Rather, I want to extend my one and only olive branch to the Republican Party in the form of a hemp stalk. That’s right, hemp stalk.

You can grow hemp damn near anywhere, and it’s uses may very well extend beyond the imagination. Hemp yeilds four times as much material as wood per acre, which would make you appear like conservationists. You don’t have to spray pesticides on hemp like you do cotton, and you can turn hemp into fuel. In fact, if anyone was looking for a way to get on the good side of “real America” and have a comprehensive plan to revitalize the agriculture, energy, construction, and auto industries in one fell swoop, all they would have to do is allow for the re-legalization of hemp production.

Now, even though a four year-old can tell the difference between a hemp plant and a pot plant, that doesn’t mean your average “values voter” can. Well GOP, since they’re the reason you keep losing, maybe it’s time you admitted that they’re dead weight and need a learnin’.

There you have it, Republican Party. Buck up, tell America you’re ready to be an adult, and grow some fuckin’ hemp. You’ll single-handedly save the country, and be hailed as visionary heroes with the gravitas to get things done. Because if you don’t, we will.

I thought I’d recap some of my favorite stories/observations from the week as I’ve been skipping Saturdays lately to sit on my duff and watch football. And drink. Lots.

Did you guys know George W. Bush is still Prez’nint? He does, and they’ve been workin’ like a paraplegic in an ass-kickin’ contest to push through as many midnight regulations as they can before the Nov. 20th deadline. Topping the list: Relaxing standards on emissions to make polluting easier, extending hours truckers can drive from 8 to 11 a day, allowing companies who strip mine for coal to move within 50 feet of a river or stream, and decreasing the amount of paid time off for employees. Fortunately, none of this really matters, because the Congressional Review Act of 1996 states that any regulation pushed through in the final six months by a lame duck President can be repealed by the incoming administration and a majority vote in Congress. Given that all it would take is a party-line vote by the Democrats in Congress, this shouldn’t be too difficult. It is Congress, however, and they’re notorious for having their spines replaced by jellyfish.

With the holiday season fast approaching, it’s beginning to look a lot like 1996 in Washington. Larry Summers as economic adviser, Rahmbo as Chief of Staff, Hil-Dawg as SoS…in fact, there are so many members of the Clinton White House in this new administration, Monica Lewinsky showed up and said, “Who’s dick do ya gotta suck to get an advisory post around here?”

No real news on the Big Three, as Congress is now guarding that $25billion like it’s the One Ring. You’d think that with the $700billion in free fucking cash the robber barons of Wall Street got handed to them, a measly 4% of that wouldn’t be too much to ask for to go to people that actually work for a fucking living. Many Republicans are clamoring for allowing the Big Three to go bankrupt- damn the unions, damn the retirees, damn the workers, and damn their families…I guess the party that values life only values it until birth-after you’re born, you’re fucked. Welcome to the Greatest Country In The World™.

There’s plenty more, but I’m off to an elitist brunch consisting of smoked salmon and cream cheese omelettes, Irish coffee, arugula-wrapped free-range bacon, and organic potatoes.

For gits and shiggles, let’s say my phone rings, and the voice on the other end says, “Rhino, we need your help with the auto industry problem.” What would I say? Well, for starters, I would immediately ask for some cash to help me think better, and I would turn that cash into 21yr single malt Scotch. Then, I’d get down to bid’ness.

Currently, the Big Three are asking for $25billion, but they haven’t been too clear on how they’re going to use that money, so I have a few suggestions.

1) 3 million workers will be out of a job if the Big Three declare bankruptcy.  In order to make sure that these hard working Americans don’t just “wait it out” while the auto industry restructures itself, I suggest that the $25billion “loan” come with these stipulations. a) none of the money shall be used for executive compensation under any circumstance. b) conditional to a decleration of Chapter 11, an across the board liquidation of all vehicles will occur to fund work force retraining and compensate for health benefits of current workers, as well as pension and retiree benefits for retired workers, while the auto industry transitions into making energy-efficient/greener vehicles. c) workers may only recieve job retraining and benefits during the transition if and only if a contract is signed by said worker to continue employment with his/her company after it is restructured.

2) Serioulsy, kids, no one is going to buy a car from a bankrupt business. What happens if the car breaks down? Warranties would be useless and obsolete. Allowing these companies to go bankrupt would effectively kill the business outright. Foreign manufacturers setting up shop in right-to-work states only solves the problem for the execs, not the workers making minimum wage to assemble vehicles.

3) While new managent is necessary and good, importing the guys that made PowerAde successful is not the answer. However, with a few billion in their pocket, the American auto industry would be in a unique position to lure successful, forward thinking people away from their current positions. Knowing that they would go down in history as the saviors of the Big Three might be enough. Failing that, I would look to current employees in the Big Three that are middle-management or floor foremen and give them an opportunity to think-tank the situation out amongst themselves, present the solution to the Federal Government, and take it to a vote.

4) Broker deals with developing nations on behalf of the suppliers of auto parts to liquidate their stock in order to enable the supplier’s transition as well, because without people making the new equipment, there can be no transition to begin with. This calls for a bit of isolationism, and some nose-thumbing as well, but we’re bailing out US auto makers, not everyone.

5) Research grants for clean technology. It takes time to retrain new workers, so why not offer some cash to anyone who can help the transition and make better, more energy-efficient parts?

Magic underwear and failed Presidential bid aside, Mitt Romney represents the crux of the argument against the tragic oxymoron knows as “conservative thought”. Where a rational person might argue that instead of focusing on how to make cars more efficient or more green, Mittens argues that the problem is not in the design, it’s in all those damn retiree benefits.

Of course, why would anyone want to have a guarantee that after a lifetime slaving for a giant company in which the execs get massive payouts for laying off 20,000 workers want some kind of safety net? Who needs benefits when you can just go back to college at 56 years old? I’m sure Wal-Mart is hiring greeters…

His second argument- people inside the auto industry have no idea how to run the auto industry- on the surface nearly makes sense.  His idea to replace management with PR wonks and marketing gurus, however, does not. It calls for positive spin as opposed to real world solutions. “The problem is not with the auto industry, but with the face of the auto industry” is the same type topic change that refuses to address the meat of the issue: American auto manufacturers can’t compete in a market that demands energy-efficient and greener vehicles.

Unions, of course, are another one of Mittens’ problems. I’m sure everything would be much, much simpler if we did away with the 40 hour work week, fair pay, and health benefits, but the average union auto worker making $27 an hour is still struggling to make ends meet. I know multi-millionaires can’t wrap their heads around this concept, but it’s true.

Allowing the auto industry to go bankrupt is a perfectly reasonable argument if you’re concerned with a bottom line. But I would invite the proponents of  bankrupting the Big Three to visit with the millions of employees that would lose their pensions, benefits, and livelihoods to personally tell them that they are merely statistics and not people.

In a Rhino News Exclusive, your intrepid reporter was privileged enough to sit in on the pleas from the CEOs of the Big Three in Washington earlier today.  Here, in its entirety, is the closing statement from Rick Wagoner, CEO of General Motors, INC.:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the committee, fellow fat cats, tycoons, and robber barons, now is the November of our discontent.  We come to you not as titans of industry, but as old, white men. And like millions of other old, white men, we’re concerned for our immediate future- the rest of the world be damned. You see, we learned something these last few months, thanks to you in Washington and our fellow brethren on Wall St.- we learned that success isn’t measured by profits, losses, or bottom lines. No, success is measured by how horribly one can fuck up, over, and over, and over, ignoring all signs along the way that beg and plead for you to change and adapt to the world at large, and still have the clout to get hundreds of billions of dollars from a spineless and easily duped government that has been in bed with you for so long, the pillow has a head imprint. So we come before you today, as humbly as men that own their own islands can, to ask you the same question posed by Wall St.- Give us all your fucking money! Now, at first, that may not seem like a question, but bear in mind that we’ve spent our entire lives simply taking without bothering to demand money up front, so this is freakin’ huge for us. This money will provide us with the kind of multi-billion dollar safety net we have grown accustomed to, and just like Wall St., we won’t be sharing it with the little guy. But unlike Wall St., we’re not asking for a $700billion loan we’ll never pay back or use to help the average American. We’re only asking for $25billion- roughly what our board of directors will spend this holiday season. See, we have no plans whatsoever to bail anyone but ourselves out, and as such, we can come to you with a much lower number. So, in conclusion, we ask that you look at this not as a $25billion giveaway to an industry that has spent the last three decades dragging its feet and refusing to make affordable, energy-efficient, non-polluting vehicles, but merely as a monetary throwaway roughly equal to 17% of what Wall St. treated itself to in the form of bonuses for completely fucking up our financial system.”

To the carpetbaggers on the right decrying Senate Dems for their imaginary rebuke of Joe LIEberman…congratulations, you’ve been vindicated. To the members on the left with bloodlust, sorry…it doesn’t look like Sen. Invade Everyone’s head will be on a pike any time soon.

What cracks me up about the whole LIEberman thing is how “outraged” some of the right wingnutters have been over holy Joe’s supposed mistreatment. These are the same people actively purging moderate Repubs from their rolls and encouraging Rapture Ready Bible Spice to run for POTUS in 2012. The people that thought John McCain was a traitor to the GOP before he became the frontrunner are the same people that for some reason can’t wrap their heads around why Senate Dems are pissed at Joe the Complete Fucktard. So, allow me to put it in terms that even a right-wing Evangelical can understand:

Joe=Judas.

Except Joe didn’t sell out his party for 30 pieces of silver. He sold them out because his political wind barometer was telling him that McCain was the future, not a kickass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama.  And just like every policy decision he made chairing the Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee, Joe the Glaring Fucking Dolt was wrong. He should’t be merely reprimanded, he should be dropped off on a desert island populated by death row inmantes, a rabid platypus, sixteen carnivirous squirrels, and circled by sharks with frikin’ lasers.

Of course that won’t happen…he’ll most likely only lose his chair of the Environment and Public Works Committee (oooh…snap!), and be voted out of office by the gay marrying state of Connecticut in 2012. But wouldn’t it be nice if for once, Senate Dems would act like they weren’t the minority party anymore. If Harry Reid stood on the floor and went off on LIEberman, Bobby Knight style (that’s a basketball reference, birdie and K), or dressed him down like Bill Hicks on a bender.

Above: Joe Lieberman…file photo.

Joe LIEberman deserves to be treated like the fucking pariah he is…he needs to be viewed as the wrinkled hunk of dead weight, the saggy jowled albatross hanging around the neck of the Democratic Party, lia-fucking-bility that wondered aloud if Obama was a Marxist.