therelevantrhino

Reuters: In our second installment of the interview with Steve Schmidt, McCain campaign “strategist”, the Relevant Rhino sits down with the Mudshark himself for a thorough look into the remaining 26 days of the Presidential Election.

RR: Steve, since you lie out of both sides of your mouth, we’ve decided to take some precautionary measures this time. We’ve given you six times the normal dose of sodium pentothal in the hopes that you’ll be able to give us a semblance of the truth. I’d like to ask a follow up question from our last interview. We’ve determined that you’re a horrible person, who are your role models?

SS:  Well, I’d like to think that Karl and myself are who George Orwell had in mind, and even though the Thought Police were fictional characters, it’s given us the opportunity to create fictional characters out of John McCain and Sarah Palin, as well as Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Ya see Rhino, Barack Obama is actually a great guy, with an amazing vision for the future of this country. He probably is the best thing that could happen to America. Which is why we hate him, and are determined to ruin his good name at all costs. If that means blowing an association with Bill Ayers out of the water if it’s politically convenient, well, that just how we do, knowwhatI’msayin’! (sticks hand out towards me in a threatinging “terrorist fist jab”)

RR: Put your damn hand back you steaming pile of hippo turds. So you’re saying that the Bill Ayers thing is blown out of proportion?

SS: You’re not familiar with our work, are you? See, they met while working for the Annenberg  Foundation, a charitable group founded by former Reagan ambassador and McCain campaign contributor Leonore Annenberg and her billionaire husband.  The truth is, Bill Ayers has as many ties to the Republican Party and John McCain as Obama does, but if that gets out, we’re gonna look like a bunch of fear mongering idiots.  So we’re pinning it all on Obama.

RR: Hate to break it to you, Steve-O, but you already look like a bunch of fear mongering idiots. So, on a scale of one to ten, what are your odds of pulling off this election?

SS: Well, that really depends. If we can hammer home the message of fear and smear, keep lying through our teeth and making outrageous claims that prey on the worst fears of the electorate, we can make this thing close enough to steal. We’ve got huge voter caging efforts in place in every swing state, and are looking forward to disenfranchising millions of eligible voters.  On the other hand, if the blatant racism and hatred evident in our recent rallies continues to turn off independent and undecided voters, well, as we say in the campaign, we’ll be more screwed than US Veterans after a McCain vote.

RR: That reminds me, what does John McCain have against America’s veterans? He’s voted repeatedly against them, and was recently given a “D” rating by Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America. What gives?

SS: Well, it’s complicated. See, John McCain puts his own service at the forefront of his campaign, ridiculously suggesting that because he was a crappy pilot who nearly flunked out of the Naval Academy that he’s capable of being the President. Truth is, he’s barely qualified to lead anything more than a conga line at a Senior’s Center. I know it, you know it, and John McCain knows it.  However, he’s way different than most vets in that he married into money. He’s set for life, so he doesn’t share a common interest in the health and safety of America’s soldiers. It’s just that simple. He’s completely out of touch.

RR: Wow. You guys really suck. How do you sleep at night?

SS: Mostly, we ask Cindy McCain for some of her pills. It’s expensive, since she steals them from charitable foundations, but she usually comes off enough Oxycontin to bring down two Limbaughs if the price is right. That’s one thing you have to give the Obama campaign credit for: as much smearing as we’ve done regarding Michelle, they’ve yet to bring up anything about Cindy, which is amazing, because it would probably be the end of our campaign.

RR: Care to elaborate?

SS: Well, her father was a convicted mob associate, she’s a house-wrecking heiress with a massive pharmaceutical  addiction who feels uncomfortable around ordinary people, she stole money from many charities, and hates her husband but loves the potential power of the Presidency. In short, she’s a detestable person, which is why she makes such a great Republican. I just hope no one looks into her past.

RR: Any words on Gov. Palin?

SS: Jesus. I don’t know where to begin. She’s a power obsessed, fundamentalist lunatic who can’t wait to become VP so she can ascend to the Presidency in McCain’s first year. The man’s in really bad shape, and she knows she’ll be President by default if they get elected. Frankly, Rhino, she scares the crap outta me. She’s potentially more dangerous than Bush, Cheney, and McCain put together. She’s a blind zealot with a vision of America that resembles 9th Century Italy. She already has Inquisition Squads set up to rid America of non-Evangelicals.  It’s that kind of forward thinking that fires up the base, you know?

RR: Well, I have some serious phone banking to do for Barack Obama. I’m gonna cut this interview a little short. You’ve managed to scare the crap out of me.

SS: That’s what we do best. Ya know, Rhino, I don’t want this getting out or anything, but I feel like I can trust you. I’m voting for Obama. We’ve got the worst and most dangerous ticket the Republican Party has ever had. They’re literally a menace, and I hope they lose by 150 Electoral Votes.

RR: I appreciate your candor, Mr. Schmidt. Your secret’s safe with me.

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