therelevantrhino

 Quick sidebar before I get to the interview…Why in the hell would you close your comments? If you’re scared of a rebuttal, or don’t care about your readers, you’re in the wrong place. There. Done. On to the good stuff.

I had the opportunity to sit down with McCain spokesmouse Tucker Bounds this afternoon. And after several hours in a lysol bath, I am now able to relate the contents of this interview. I have taken the liberty of transcribing Mr. Bounds’ words without the very suspect lisp that characterizes Mr. Bounds’ speaking persona. 

RR: Tucker, thank you so much for taking the time out of your very busy day defending a lowlife like John McCain to come and speak with me. If at all possible, I would appreciate it if you adhere to the ‘Say it, Don’t spray it’ rule I had frosted on your complementary cake that you saw in the green room.

TB: Well, you know, I’ll see what I can do, but I’m not going to guarantee anything. If there’s one thing you learn from working with a great man like Sen. McCain, it’s only make promises you can keep. Like his commitment to suspending his campaign in the face of a financial crisis. John McCain…

RR: Uh, Tucker, I’m sorry to interrupt, but your boss didn’t suspend his campaign.

TB: Yes he did. He did ’cause he said so. Surely you’re not suggesting that a former POW wouldn’t suspend his campaign. That’s just the kind of liberal…

RR: Gear down, big shifter. I’ve got plenty of time to go after John McCain for using POW as both a noun and a verb. You were on MSNBC during the “suspension”, and FOX, and your colleagues were all over TV as well. None of Sen. McCain’s campaign offices closed, and you could still donate what was left of your 401k during the “suspension”.

TB: Yeah, well, you know, we said it was suspended, so it was. That’s what you clearly fail to grasp about our campaign, Rhino, it’s not about what happens, it’s about what we say happens. This is a top-down campaign. We strongly believe in the Trickle-Down theory of campaigning in this campaign. And that’s what makes this campaign such a great campaign.

RR: Hit the reset button, kiddo, you’re starting to skip. So, Tucker, would you say you spend more time defending the bilgewater tactics of Sen. McCain, or defaming Barack Obama?

TB: That’s a completely unfair question, Rhino. John McCain is a man of honor. He served his country and runs a fair, factual, and honest campaign.

RR: Tucker, I’m gonna hafta call bullshit real quick. A spokesman from your campaign was quoted over the weekend as saying, “We’ve got to turn the page on this economic crisis. If we talk about the economy, we lose.” Following those statements, Sarah Palin began bringing up William Ayers, and Rev. Wright.

TB: Which is fair game. The American people are going to go into the voting booth and have a clear choice between John McCain and Barack Obama.  We in the McCain campaign feel very strongly that the American people will choose John McCain.

RR: Tucker, at this point in the interview, I’m gonna call in my friend Stabbin’ Vito. Stabbin’ Vito just got paroled, and doesn’t give a shit if he goes back. He’s going to hover over you while wielding a machete in one hand, and your kitten in the other. I’m sorry, but it’s the only way to get you to tell the truth. Level with me, Tucker, what is John McCain’s message going into November?

TB: Please don’t kill Mr. Whiskers!! Oh God!! Ok, Ok, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you everything! (sobs like a little girl with a skinned knee for 20 minutes, while I went outside for a smoke and a drink.)

RR: All right, Tucker, Mr. Whiskers is in a carrying case now, but Stabbin’ Vito is standing behind you with that look on his face that says “I just got outta the joint and yer lookin’ purty”. Back to the original question…Sen. McCain’s message in November?

TB: We’re (sniff) gonna try (sniff) to convince America that Barack Obama is a dangerous terrorist that will tax the country gay. We don’t have a single issue to run on, and we’ve been categorically wrong on everything from the economy to Iraq, to education, women’s rights, healthcare, you name it, we’re out of touch and wrong. That’s why we have Palin! She’s supposed to lull America into a near comatose state with her nasally droning and ridiculous “folksy” speech! We suck! We’re going to ruin America! Now for the love of God can I get the hell out of here?!?

RR: Thanks, Tucker, it’s been great. Stabbin’ Vito will show you out.

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