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Reuters: Due to dramatically slipping poll numbers, and a complete separation from reality, the McCain campaign has launched their latest “game changer” in a long string of disastrous attempts to control the daily news cycle. Reuters sat down with some of McCain’s top advisers and strategists this morning to learn more about this childish, sad, desperate ploy.

R: Mr. Schmidt, thanks for coming to spend some time with me this morning. I can’t begin to tell you how sick to my stomach you make me.

S: Yeah, I get that a lot. But if there’s one thing Karl Rove taught me…

R: No, I mean I had to eat six Percocet and down half a bottle of Maker’s Mark just to be in the same room as you.

S: If there’s one thing Karl Rove taught me, it’s that in order to win, you have to leave your honor, integrity, and soul at the door. That, and ignore the hell outta reality. Ya see, the reality of the situation is this: John McCain is the captain of a sinking ship, and we’re the band that plays while it goes down. But this is poitics, so we’re doing what any politician would- change the subject and smear our opponent.

R: Is it difficult being one of the worst human beings on the face of the Earth?

S: I’m not going to answer that question. Instead, I’d like to talk about Barack Obama’s connection to Hezbollah. We have a tape we’re about to release, where a guy playing Barack Obama gives a terrorist fist jab to some Arab looking guy that we claim is Hassan Nasrallah, leader of Hezbollah. Then the step on some yarmukles and extinguish a Mennorah by urinating on it. Is this true? No. Is it relevant? Hardly. Is this our only option? In the words of our magnificent VP nominee, “yer darn tootin, you betcha, doncha know!”

R: Thank you for your time, Mr. Schmidt, I have to go throw up now.

It’s become clear to nearly eveyone without a lobotomy that the McCain camp is running like a Frenchman from a pack of rabid wolves. We also sat down with McCain adviser Nancy Pfotenhauer in an attempt to gain a better understanding of just how far up shit creek the McCain campaign is.

R: Nancy, thanks for agreeing to this interview. I’m sorry that this isn’t in fact a taping of Hannity and Colmes like we told you it was, but it was the only way we could get you to show up.

NP: That’s just untrue. I sat down with Rachel Maddow the other night, via satellite from my climate controlled coffin where the life blood of children flows through my veins as my only means of sustaining my vampirical existence.  And even though she handed me my ass in front of millions, I still got to say John McCain’s name four thousand times, which is good press.

R: Nancy, I hope you don’t mind, but in order to get you to tell the truth, we spiked your coffee with sodium pentothal. My first question is: Why wait until 30 days before the election to start the most vile smear campaign in political history?

NP: Well, we’re all a bunch of ignorant jackasses in the McCain campaign. Our only objective is to steal the narrative and dominate the news cycle, since McCain’s actual policies would cripple this country and plunge us into third-world status. Seriously, we can’t  run on the issues, so we’re stuck with debunked guilt-by-association tactics and lies. It’s pretty much our thing.

R: Can we expect to see Gov. Palin on any of the Sunday talk shows?

NP: Are you fucking kidding me? We sent her to Omaha today…Omaha! If that doesn’t tell you how scared we are of her opening her mouth in front of people that aren’t strictly members of the Republican base, well, you’re about as stupid as she is. I mean, we thought we could pull a fast one on America by selecting one of the most dangerously unqualified, power driven ideologues in America, and it failed miserably. No, from now on, you’ll only see Palin when we want you to, the way we need her to be- coached, rehearsed, and slanderous.

R: So, just how far up shit creek are you?

NP: Well, let me put it to you this way: We’d rather ruin the country, the Republican party, and our chances of ever winning another election than lose this one. It’s our hope that we can spread enough lies about Barack Obama to scare the electorate into voting for John McCain, and once elected, we’re going to poison him. Then Sarah Palin will become President, appoint radically conservative judges, disband the constitution, and declare herself President For Life.

R: That’s a truly frightening objective, Nancy. Why do you hate America?

NP: Well, it’s not America itself that I hate, it’s non-white, non-Evangelical, non-fundamentalist America that I hate, and it’s a shared opinion within the McCain campaign. We’re a top down sort of organization, and no one hates people that aren’t like him more than John McCain. Seriously, you should hear the way he talks about nearly everyone when they’re not around. He’s one of the most bitter, spiteful, egomaniacal hate-filled bigots I’ve ever been associated with. And I’m a Republican, so that’s saying quite a bit.

R: Well, thanks for your time, Nancy. I hope that sodium pentothal doesn’t wear off until after your next interview.

Coming up in our next series, Reuters sits down with Tucker Bounds, Lindsey Graham, and CNN pundit Leslie Sanchez.

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