therelevantrhino

By Reid Tim, The Limes of Tondon: Though much less senior than the Senator, John McCain’s senior advisers have drawn up plans for the Senator to shuffle loose the mortal coil should he accidentally wind up President on Nov. 4th. Sources close to the McCain campaign have stated, on conditions of anonymity, that on the off chance the Senator manages to steal the election through massive voter suppression and fraud, he will effectively die in office on Tues, Jan. 21st, 2009.

This will usher in the age of Palin, which will be viewed in black and white by the rest of the world…picutre the beginning of the Wizard of Oz, if it helps. One McCain surrogate, we’ll call her Pfancy Notenhauer, said, “We look forward to stealing this election, and taking the United States back. And by back, I mean to the 13th Century.”

Amid rumors of impending mortality, John McCain himself told the Limes of Tondon, “My friends, why the hell would I want to live in a world with Sarah Palin as the President. She’ll freakin’ kill us all.”

So we’re down to the last 4 days of fear, slander, robocalls, and division. 4 more days of conspiracy theories, tapes that “prove” something, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. What then, my fundie, Evangelical wingnut comrades? Will the Rapture come? Will the heavens split open and claim souls? Or will you kick and scream your way into the 21st Century?

In case no one has noticed, we’re on the precipice of progress. Much to the chagrin of both the far left and the far right, an Obama Administration will most likely look rather centrist. January 20th will not resemble a Gay Pride Parade, abortions will not be conducted at a state fair booth, and 50Cent will not be the Secretary of the Treasury. All of the fears of the right will ring hollow and empty, like the heads of those that purported them.

However, there is a necessity, and the impending reality, of a giant paradigm shift in America, as evidenced by states like Arizona, Montana, Louisiana, Georgia, and Mississippi falling into the lean or toss-up category as Election Day looms. The philosophy and pracitices of the Republican Party have failed in epic proportions; we are fighting three wars, with more on the horizon should the Bush Doctorine continue. We have seen the size of our national debt double in eight years. That phrase gets tossed around a lot, so let me put that into perspective. The national debt is the cumulative amount of money owed since the beginning of America.   In eight years, we have doubled a number that was 224 years in the making. Think about that, and think about who’s philosophy led us there. Think about who’s running for office in your home district, and what their economic beliefs are. Think about your Senate candidate, and the direction you want this country to move. Most of all…think.

We know that roughly 40-46% of this country will vote McCain. The problem lately has been that his supporters are mindless drones spouting idiotic and contradictory talking points like drugged up parrots with schizophrenia. I should probably warn you that this post may offend some of these bilious sacks of stretch marks, flatulence, and blind zealotry. Not that they have the courage to read anything that doesn’t mimic what Hugh Hewitt tells them to believe, let alone comment, but if any of you assferrets happened upon this site by accident, let me tell you a secret: You don’t make a damn bit of sense. When I listen to you prattle on unedited, or read your misspelled ramlings of incoherence- I smile, because this is what it sounds like:

Barack Hussein Obama is a radical Communist Muslim Marxist, who will supress the media because he’s so liberal that he hates free speech, and will use community organizers to hire activist judges to send volunteers out to steal your guns, because every Commie is secretly a fascist, and because Obama knows how to speak and motivate Americas, who should be ashamed of themselves for not loving their country and supporting John McCain. What, besides literally killing live babies in Bill Ayers’ living room, has Obama ever done? I mean, he wasn’t even born in this country, unlike John McCain, a real American hero, who was born in Panama, and he reads his daughters Harry Potter. Harry Freakin’ Potter! I mean, he might as well have baptized his kids in goat’s blood in a Satanic Church! And there’s real, live video tape of him talking to some Arab guy who John McCain gave $488,000+ to a while ago, so if that doesn’t tell you something about his character, I don’t know what does!

Right wing crazies also feel the need to punctuate their arguments by USING ALL CAPS!, as if that will drive the point home further instead of provide another window into their mendacity. Folks, the right knows they’re on a sinking ship, and lacking the common sense of your garden variety snot-rocket, they’ll shove each other out of the way to do the electoral lemming leap. When you encounter someone who only gets their infromation from talk radio and RedState and FAUX News, let them speak. Seriously, let them ramble and twist and get all huffy, everyone enjoys seeing tumbleweeds in a dust storm, right? Then smile, and quietly tell them how sorry you feel for them, and walk away.

It’s not working. You can lie, and bleat, and bemoan all you wish, but you’re failing. Both in terms of this Presidential election, and in down ticket races as well.

Your willingness to believe so wholeheartedly in the fabrications of the most fringe elements of your party has  revealed the “straight talk”, and it’s laughable. So bring on the vitriol, if you must. Drag out every plastic skeleton your imagination can muster. Slander and libel away; it only sticks in the echo chamber of your dwindling cadre of the misinformed, the unapologetically anti-intellectual-the “values” voters who wrap themselves in the American flag like it’s a security blanket (even though it’s a sensory deprivation tank).

While your mind races out of control with more conspiracy theories than available tin-foil hats, the rest of America is planning for the future. We are looking forward to the challenges that lie ahead, because it will be our victory. Our triumph. And we can do it without you if we must. I’d rather not; I’d much rather have one nation- with Americans working together to better their country and allow progress instead of longing for the days of make believe.

This isn’t a white America, or a black America. It most certainly not  the United States of America, but we’re working on that. You’re welcome to come along, but you’ve got a lot of growing up to do. I hope, for your sake and ours, that you manage to do this…otherwise it’s going to be a long time before your voice is anything more than a whisper.

I haven’t posted anything today, and I’m in a decent mood, so I figured I’d do this until I’m drunk enough to do anything of significance later this evening…

There’s a saying about growing old and making it- “If the good Lord’s willin’ and the creek don’t rise”. Although religion and I have our differences, it’s still a pretty damn good saying, as far as sayings go. We all want to make it, and we want to watch our children grow and do better than we did, and we want them to have every chance and opportunity available. We are at a turning point in history. I say that in all seriousness, and I hope the gravity of that statement is taken as such.

In seven days, we have the choice, and the opportunity to seize this moment, and use this opportunity to think beyond ourselves. When we are older, and our children or our grandchildren ask us about this time, this blip on history’s radar, will we say to them that we were brave? That we saw this as our chance to be better people, better parents, better Americans? That in the face of extreme fear and mindless hate, and seemingly insurmountable odds we rose to the challenge and stood up? That we shed generations and centuries of prejudice, and bigotry, and an eroding morality we replaced with greed and instant gratification? Or will we cast our eyes downward and gaze off into the corner?

It has always been easier to be spectators to history; to refrain from standing and being counted among those who were willing to risk anything and everything for a better way of life for people they had never met, future generations of family, friends, and strangers, even ideological opposites. It’s always been easier to accept and even welcome complacency; to say “sure, things are bad, but they’re bound to get better.”, and simply hope or pray that they will.

In the last several weeks, we’ve seen what an ideology of division, and complacency, and fear has to offer. And we’ve borne witness to the hope of tomorrow, the challenges of the future in a modern world. In seven days, we have the opportunity to come together. We can leave the practice and politics of the past where they belong. We, the people, can shed what seperates us, and find the common ground that unites us all. And we can say to our children, and our grandchildren, “Yes. I. Did.” I believed in the future. I believed in hope, and I believed in the collective spirit of America. I chose what was right over what was convenient, and I never looked back. I didn’t let hate stop me. I didn’t let fear stop me. I didn’t let the past drag me down. I looked to the good in my family, friends, neighbors, and country, and I rose. I faced the challenges of the immeadiate to enjoy the rewards of the future, and I met that moment unafraid and grateful.

I know I’ll be able to say that…if the good Lord’s willin’ and the creek don’t rise…

Once upon a time, a great mass of flesh and gas was molded into the form of a human. Fresh out of brains, the thing’s creator instead opted for vitriolic Far-Right talking points. Instead of a soul, he opted for the scraped remnants of 30 year old grease traps. He would name his monster Hannity, and it would wreak havoc on the airwaves.

Kept in an isolated cell, the Hannity was left alone with only it’s talking points to keep it company, and it was becoming more and more clear to it’s creator that his moster needed a companion. So, he took a few old sweat socks, wrapped them around a two-by-four, and stuck a cantelope on top. In a fit of humor, the creator decided to name the monster’s compainion after something the thing would never need-Combs. Not wanting to appear too cruel, he changed the spelling at bit, and settled on Colmes.

The Hannity and his simpering sidekick enjoyed a reign of malevolence for a number of years, finding a comfortable morass to settle in called Ailes’ Swamp and make themselves at home. They had a grumpy neighbor called Bill-O the Troll, but no one took him seriously as he was constantly re-inventing himself with the shifting winds. They were happy, the Hannity and his pathetic whelp, until one day in 2008. November 4th, specifically.

The Hannity had spent the last year railing aginst not a local villager, but a man from a far away place called Chicago. Having spent little time outside Ailes’ Swamp, they had no idea how to attack this man. Not realizing that what they saw as a Wright tactic would backfire, they attempted that to no avail. They thought if they pointed out that unlike the creatures in Ailes’ Swamp, the man was decidedly brown, the nearby villagers would be frightened and take up arms against the man. No dice. Having run out of solid ideas, they decided that the best thing to do would be to put on Ayers and throw ACORNs, but that didn’t work either. The man was simply impervious to talking points and smears.

Then came that fateful day, Nov. 4th. The Hannity found out that the man had become the President. His rage became unchecked. He ran amok through Ailes’ Swamp, leaving a path of destruction in his wake. He bellowed for Bill-O the Troll, but he was no where to be found. Having sensed the changing winds, the Troll had re-invented himself as a sports caster, and was working for a cable-access station in Sacramento calling hockey games so he could be around white people. White hot with rage, the grease began to boil where the Hannity’s soul should have been, causing a chain reaction throughout the monster. The great, bloviating beast’s head exploded, and his massive carcass sank slowly into the swamp-never to be heard from again.

That’s McCain’s recent attack line. Measuring the drapes. Makes Obama sound arrogant, and more than a little effete. But while John McCain is busy throwing the kitchen sink and the damn plumber at Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois is expanding his lead in key battleground states, motivating the largest and most effective ground game in history, and quietly assembling a solid, comprehensive transition team should he manage to make it to the White House.

So yes, Sen. McCain, in a sense Obama is mesuring the drapes. If by “drapes” you mean “panel of qualified individuals with the ability to steer us out of this morass”.  Transition teams are necessary functions of any nominee, and like the selection of a running mate, tell a voter quite a bit about what kind of President the person will be if elected. For expample, Barack Obama’s transition team consists of “dozens of individuals — divided into working groups for particular federal agencies — to produce policy agendas and lists of recommended appointees. As evidence of their advanced preparations, officials provided a copy of the strict ethics guidelines that individuals working on the transition effort are required to sign.”

Contrast that with John McCain’s trasition team, which seems to be concentrating more on planting crab grass on the White House lawn, and giving McCain a reason to do this:

As reported earlier, the man chosen to be McCain’s transition team point man is William Timmons, bag man for Saddam and a man McCain once referred to as a crook. Which I suppose makes him qualified to be in a McCain administration…

We have in Barack Obama a thoughtful, pragmatic, forward looking candidate who has the youth and the vision to move this country forward. We have in John McCain an worn out soldier who wasn’t qualified to lead other soldiers, let alone his country. War horses deserve a nice pasture, and the chance to reflect on a long life of service, and I honestly hope John McCain gets just that…after a crushing defeat in a Presidential election where he sacrificed his integrity, sold his honor for talking points, and promoted division and open hostility because a power gambit was much more important than “Country First”.

With an historic election looming, and all signs pointing to  broad victories for the Democratic Party in the House and Senate, as well as the White House, the GOP has decided to turn up the fear knob from “OMFG The Black Guy’s Winning” to “Armageddon”.

The RNC is running ads for people like Liddy Dole in North Carolina warning of a “blank check” for the Democrats should they gain a majority in the Senate. Saxby Chambliss is on the ropes in Georgia, Mitch “Sleeping Queen” McConnell- on his knees in darkened rooms for a different reason than usual-is praying for his political career as well. While the Republicans are busy crying socialism, terrorism, communism, blackism, brownism, gayism, and why-don’-you-love-me-godism, America is slowly turning blue. Do I honestly think there will be a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate? Two weeks ago I would’ve said no, but it just may happen. That depends on a few things-all of which are related to each other.

Thing 1) Numbers. I know a lot of people don’t like numbers; certainly Republican pollsters don’t like them. They’re scary, and they help you tell your story. Given a strong enough voter turnout, Democrats could easily hold the majority n the Senate.

Thing 2) Brains. Ah, brains. The second-most decision making organ in the body, the idea center, zombie food. Brains are why I feel we’ll see a reverse Bradley Effect. The heart or the loins will be overruled by the brain when people go into the voting booth and see that Scarlet (R) next to someone’s name, and they will think, “Self, are you happy with the job Republicans have been doing? Why, no, self, I’m not.” Exercising your brain leads to a process long-feared by the GOP: thinking.

Thing 3) Progress. You know, moving forward, instead of allowing the cane of antiquity to jerk you offstage and into the 19th Century. There is a reason you only hear the term “progressive” applied to Democrats. Historically, the GOP’s idea of progress has been limited to the number of countries we can bomb for their natural resources; their politics of regression have no place in modern society, and until they learn to evolve with the rest of us, it could be a long time indeed before you see them back in power in Washington.

Thing 4) Dog Food. What, you may ask, does dog food have to do with America turning blue? Well, think about dog food for a moment. Dog food is packaged, shipped, bought and brought to your home, where it is consumed by your precious little pup. After that begins a transformational journey from tummy to someone’s lawn. For years, the American people have been chosen to pick up after the collective dog that is the party of George W. Bush. The majority of the members, and supporters, of that party see nothing wrong with leaving a steaming pile for someone else to deal with-regardless of all that talk about “self-sufficiency”.  We, the people, are refusing to pick up after their mess.

“Real America” is waning. The out of touch, and out of step policies are anathema to the progress of this nation, and this nation is finally ready to move forward. If it takes sweeping victory in all facets of Washington to usher in that progress, then let it be done. Until we no longer live in fear of a Blue Planet, we certainly can’t have a green one.