therelevantrhino

Slowly but surely, America is starting to realize what’s been handed to them. As more information about Sarah Palin surfaces, Americans of all parties are seeing her for what she is: inconsequential, backwards, and in the right place at the right time. Sure, she’s a hottie as far as the political scene is concerned, but by those standards so is Dana Perino. The GOP may as well have ran her if they wanted a political neophyte to agree with John McCain-at least she has some experience dealing with reporters seeking something other than a glowing perspective of their interviewee.

If I was a Democratic strategist, this is how I’d spend my time. I would relentlessly attack her anti-abortion stance. I would send her “fellow difference maker” Hillary Clinton to Pennsylvania and Ohio and keep her there through November stumping Hil-Dog’s pancake ass off grabbing those blue-collar voters who could go either way, but want to hear that their next president will try to give them jobs, not send more overseas. I would run ad after ad in battleground states showing her statements calling Hillary a “whiner”, that she doesn’t know what a Vice President does, that her mother-in-law doesn’t believe she’s qualified for the job, and that she wants Creationism taught in schools.

Second, every time a Dem is on T.V., I would go over Alaska’s history of corruption, and drive home the point that anyone could have stepped in to clean up that mess. Hell, a janitor with a G.E.D. could’ve done the same job with equal results. Then I would drive home the point that a janitor would’ve had prior work experience before becoming mayor of a town, let alone governor. It’s one thing to do right for a state with a population half the size of a major city that’s been so mired in piss poor management, but it’s another to be the second most powerful person in the entire country. I would also point out that the Alaska State Government is only in session for 90 days a year. Oh, and did I mention that she’s anti-abortion, even in cases of rape and incest?

Third, every opportunity I had, I would encourage my staff and supporters to make the glaringly obvious comparisons to Pat Buchanan, espically in the state of Florida (which may as well be an unoffical hub of Ben Gurion). I would dig up the existing printed reports of her on record supporting Mr. Buchanan, who is viewed amongst the Jewish community as a saggy Hitler. Then, I’d draw the obvious disparities between her and her running mate about Israel-and the fact that they’d only met ONCE before he chose her as his token pair of breasts in the worst publicity stunt in recent political history.

These are just polite suggestions. We know that the Democrats will have to tread lightly, as battering women and keeping them from reaching their potential is more of a Republican thing. And that’s part of the point-this woman kind of hates women. She would like for all of them to have as many kids as the good Lord deems fit. She’d like for your kids to be undereducated, but know how to shoot a gun. She’d like for your kids to believe that the Earth is 6,000 years old, and that someday you’ll be carried away to Heaven on a cloud of Goebel’s talking points. That drilling in ANWAR will solve something besides fattening the pockets of her constituents, and that the government has the right, through scripture, to decide what’s right for her own gender. After eight years of legislating ideology and opinion, after eight years of the moronic leading the blind and deaf, after eight years of job loss, housing crises, and crippling foreign policy dictated by zealots with a personal agenda running counter-current to the majority of Americans, the choice should be clear.

WTF?!? I had originally thought that the GOP had three brain cells left, and they were locked in an argument over who to bomb next, but I now know they’re all gone. After all of his blustering (no doubt with the help of a breathing apparatus) about experience being the deciding factor in choosing a Commander-In-Chief, he taps a virtually unknown governor from a state with two electoral votes. Why? Because he’s running scared, and will do anything he can to get his wrinkled, liver-spotted fist around the throat of America. Because he’s doing what the established order of Washington always does when they’ve run out of intelligent things to say: he changed the subject. Because having a pro-life, pro assault rifle, pro drilling, evangelical as a Vice President is somehow radical because she’s a woman.

Fear and desperation are the motivating factors behind this choice. At 44, Palin isn’t even old enough to become President should McCain actually get elected and drop dead of a surprise heart attack by the news. The only foreign policy experience she has is making life harder for Inuits and keeping black people out of Alaska(both blacks and Eskimos look foreign to most white people). This is a woman who’s family demands come second to her career, and that’s saying quite a bit, as she has five children-including one with Down’s Syndrome. What you have here is a mother who would gladly sacrifice her family to promote party goals. A veritable newbie to the scene who was tapped in a blatant attempt to grab disgruntled Hillary voters. I am just as qualified to be Vice President as Sarah Palin, and so are you. We’re only going to hear talking points from this candidate, which may play into the section of America that wants to be spoonfed ideology in three word phrases. But there is no substance, no experience, no proof that she has any knowledge of the world at large. And that may appeal to Republican voters, as most of them only know about countries outside of America after we blow them to Hell.

John McCain has once again proven to the American people that he lacks the ability to run the show. By appealing to his spinsters, handlers, and number crunchers, he’s delivering a message that says: I’m running a campaign based solely on manipulation. I’ll give him this though, it takes a lot of balls to be to lie to a nation. To play the gender card when it’s a hot button issue. To appeal to our fears. To attack his opposition then steal their lines. To stage rallies that background check the participants. To speak to the NAACP after voting against the MLK holiday. To support torture. To vote against veterans attending a college of their choosing. To say that being a POW is the reason he cheated on his first wife. To marry into wealth and say that he represents the common man. To have no environmental policy. To have no drug policy. To support tax breaks for Big Oil. To continue the practice of shipping American jobs overseas.

This man is a hack, a panderer of the worst kind, and a disgrace to anyone who’s donned a uniform in service of this country. A selfish, bitter old man with a personal agenda to secure his legacy. And I can’t wait to watch the VP debates.

John McCain can’t win this week. No matter what he does, if Hurricane Gustav blows through the Gulf, the coverage of the RNC in Minneapolis will be limited to FOX News, EIB Radio, and the Nazis at the Weekly Standard. He could tap American Jesus (you know, white, sandy blond-haired, blue-eyed Jesus, not the one that existed) as VP, but if the flood waters roll, it’ll get lost in the mix.

Last night was epic, both in terms of scale and audacity. The fact that nearly 80,000 Americans on both sides of the aisle, as well as independents (like yours truly) crammed into Invesco for the first big victory that place has seen since Elway cannot be ignored. I’m sure some of my friends on the right will point out that there will be some Dems at the RNC next week, but Joe Lieberman doesn’t count. If that guy’s a democrat, I’m a 14 year old Chinese gymnast. The Dems pulled off everything they set out to accomplish, and now they have to face a whole new line of crap from the Republicans.

“When you’ve run out of fresh ideas, you revert to the same stale tactics”. I’ve followed this thing as closely as anyone, and definitely more closely than most Republicans, who tend to get their news from one sided sources and reporters that have no business calling themselves journalists in the first place. The McCain camp has resorted to the same tactics that got President Apocalypse elected, and we can only expect more of the same. Obama was dared, literally dared to go overseas by the right, and when he did, they cried photo-op. He’s a spineless liberal, they crowed, and when he came out swinging last night, they lashed out at him for being a Chicago-style politician (which as I understand it, means he comes served with diced tomatoes on top). They cry celebrity as if the GOP never elected one. Ahem, Ronald effin’ Reagan…Arnold Schwartzenegger, Sonny Bono, Clint Eastwood, Fred Thompson…any of this sound familiar?

What bothers me most about the GOP these days is that they’ve gone so far off base with what the party stood for. Under Bush, the size of government has ballooned. Our surplus was blown in the first three years, and now we swim in debt. Our Olympic Gold Medalists are being encouraged to melt down their medals to sell back to China so we can get some of our money back. And McCain can only offer the same failed policies that got us into this mess. I’ve checked out his website (which is something the man himself doesn’t even know how to do), I’ve heard the speeches that aren’t in swing states, and I’ve listened to the statements made by his advisers. This guy, who is supposedly a maverick, is sticking to the party line like John Edwards on a videographer.

Truth is, John McCain was a hack pilot who got into officer’s school by nepotism and nearly flunked out, crashed five planes before getting shot down yet again in Vietnam, was unfortunate enough to get caught, paid a severe price for his piss poor skills in an aircraft that he had no business flying in the first place, and wants us to believe that because he was an abject failure as a pilot, that he’ll be a good leader. I have lots of friends in the military currently, as well as those who have previously served, and they all say the same thing: Bad CO’s get you killed. Does that delineate their service? No, they stepped up and put on the uniform, but does it qualify you to hold the highest office in America? No. I welcome any debate on this.

If there are two Americas, they can be separated into these categories: Bullies, and the picked on. And like any seemingly opposing groups of people, they can find some common ground-picking on other people. You don’t get to the top of the steps on Capitol Hill without climbing over some people in the process, and attack ads help. Hell, they pave the way.

“Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for someone who fathered an illegitimate black child?” “My opponent’s own party knows he’s as inexperienced as an Orthodox Rabbi in a hot dog eating contest.” This type of thing works because it appeals to the lowest common denominator in a person- it makes us feel better because someone else is getting the sharp end of the stick. John McCain knows this, he hired Karl Rove’s support staff to produce his campaign ads. The recent string of attack ads are a carbon copy of what has been done to him in previous presidential bids. Say nothing about yourself, and drill home the point that the alternative is just horrible. As a person, as a potential commander in chief, and certainly as an option. McCain’s attack ads reek of desperation, childish behavior, and piss-poor taste. For someone who furiously wants to pass himself off as a “maverick”, someone who built the earlier part of his career supposedly reaching across the aisle, he’s now coming off as the person he actually is- the man who voted against the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, who voted 25 times against exploring alternative energy options- an adequate soldier who knows how to follow orders, but lacks the vision and leadership necessary to command even his own unit.

One of the problems I have with the Democrats is their gelatinous spines. Instead of battling back, they run home and tell a trusted adult who says, “It’s o.k. to cry, little Billy, we still love you…here’s a cookie.” The Republicans have presided over eight years of failures of Biblical proportions, and John McCain has supported nearly every one. This is the guy who boasted, “No one has supported President Bush more than I have”, who voted against his own immigration bill because it didn’t fit the President’s ideology, who flip-flopped on off-shore drilling to appease the two oil men in the White House. There is a wealth of ammunition for the Dems to unleash against any elephant they choose. It’s time for them to shed the image that they’re somehow above the fray, stop playing victim, and connect with the American people in a way that only victims can- by picking on someone else.

Fail. That’s the grade my house gave to the majority of the speakers at the DNC last night, and my better half is a card-carrying Democrat. I’d look over every once in a while to find her shaking her head with the same expression on her face as when we watch Andrew Zimmern’s Bizarre Foods show.  The exceptions for the night were Pat Leahy, Dennis “The Frothing Leprechaun” Kucinich, and Montana Gov. Brian Schweitzer. Because of the just hype that has cast a shadow on this convention by the Clintons, the messages and rallying cries of those gentlemen were forgotten by 10:15 last night. All this talk about “more of the same” must have gone to Hillary’s malleable, plastic head, and we can most likely look forward to similar behavior from Bill this evening.

The mainstream media in this country was creaming all the way down to their Capezios over Hillary’s speech last night. Because I’m a freak, I counted the number of times I heard her say “I” or “me”, and the number of times she said “Barak” or “Obama”. 31-12, respectively, by my count. You don’t even have to dumb yourself down by watching FOX News to realize that what America witnessed during her speech was the words of a bitter rival re-hashing her campaign speeches from the primary. The look on Michelle Obama’s face said it all: Eat that crow, bitch, you lost. You could see Sen. Clinton biting the inside of that soulless, Botoxed cheek of hers every time she was forced to say something nice about Obama, all the while failing to mention anything about the seriously harsh charges she made on the campaign trail about his lack of experience and poor judgment. To summarize 20+ minutes of forced fluff and drivel, she was as recalcitrant as her party’s mascot, laying out her case for election in 2012, because she realizes that it will be easier after four years of having a Democrat in the White House.

If my friends in the Democratic Party want to become one party, they need to stop being Americans and start being Democrats. I subscribe to John Edwards’ theory of two Americas. Obviously he thought they existed, and in one of them he wasn’t married. It should be a cake walk to the White House for the Dems this year, but the brats in Clintonland got too pissed when the black guy took their dolly away from them. And out of spite, they’re willing to risk their immediate future (because you can’t get anyone to think about anyone but themselves in this country).

One of the reasons that George W. Bush was so successful was because his handlers knew that if you change and monopolize the issues, you own the conversation. I never thought I’d say this, but the Dems need the Cliff’s Notes version of the Karl Rove playbook. If W. could win an entire election based on two guys kissing, then the Dems can win on actual issues like the economy, Iraq, and sustainable energy. That should be the focus of the final two days of the DNC, and the coming months. They’ve already wasted two days trying to undo the damage that they themselves largely caused, and if they can’t get past that soon, well, we can look forward to a third term of failures.

So, apparently the Dems strategy for conquest this year is a lot like someone trying to convince their girlfriend to make a homemade porno. Start out nice and slow, cue some soothing music, deliver your argument for the sex tape in a pragmatic, dispassionate manner, and hope for the best. All the while knowing that the only thing that matters is the money shot at the end. Sure, there were a couple of, for lack of a better word, highlights, and there should have been. But not for the reasons that the DNC wanted. Follow me…let’s take a walk.

I’d like to take a second to talk about the musical selections from the house band. I know it’s supposed to be thematic, which is why I was so bummed that they didn’t break into a cover of “Lowrider” for the Latino delegation instead of opting for “Oye Como Va”. You could tell the band was feeling it when they busted into “Dance to the Music”, but the aging hipsters in the crowd went on to prove that us white folks just shouldn’t shake it when the cameras are rolling.

It’s a contractual obligation to have someone with the names Jesse and Jackson speak at a Democratic National Convention, but do to some very specific threats leveed by the senior, JJ Jr. was tapped. And he actually did a good job. He only invoked Dr. King 15 or so times, which is much, much less than his papa would have. And he delivered a clear, and surprisingly concise sermon for why America should support ObamaChrist. Of course Dr. King would be closer to seeing the mountain top, Jesse, the convention is being held in Denver. But this is America, so the simpler the metaphor, the better.

Thanks to Botox, Nancy Pelosi only has two expressions. The one we see the most is the look of shock akin to walking in on your spouse biblically congregating with livestock. The other one looks like she’s trying to pass a Mini Cooper through her small intestine (it usually shows up every time she says ‘John McCain’). In an America where the President has a 28% approval rating, it seems like a perfectly sound choice to have the Speaker of the House deliver an address at the opposing party’s convention. Unless, of course, that speaker is Nancy Pelosi, and the House has a 14% approval rating. Oops. I understand that it’s hard to get things done in congress when George W. Bush is closer to his veto pen than his wife and children, and that when the country is once again ruled by a single party there will be gay abortions for all, but most of America doesn’t. And that makes any speech from Pelosi about as relevant as an asshole on a kneecap.

Early on in the evening, we heard from Illinois State Comptroller Dan Hynes. No? I did. He’s the guy that lost to Barak Obama for the Senate bid four years ago. He was gracious in his defeat, and is most likely looking forward to an Obama Presidency because he’ll have a better chance of getting that job once LoaferJesus is president. He did an amazing job last night, and my imaginary hat goes off to him.

Michelle Obama will be picked apart like a baby calf chained to the ground in starving wolf country, so I’ll let my biased, bitter, confused, and uninformed friends on the right handle that one. To my friends on the left, could you maybe let Mama Obama in on a little secret for me? Just sidle on up to her, and say, “Michelle, Laura Bush’s haircut doesn’t suit you. You’d be better off playing to the stereotype that FOX News has established for you, and rock that Pam Grier circa 1974 afro we all want to see.” Please. For me.

I’m truly looking forward to tonight, and the following nights of this convention. This is when the porno really gets hot. We’ll see the Dems in full attack mode, which I hope includes Joe Biden coming out to the podium dressed like the Scorpion King, foaming at the mouth and telling America that the illegitimate black child John McCain fathered belonged to Sally Hemmings. This is the only chance the party has as a whole to point out the glaringly obvious connections between Gran’pa Munster and President Numbnuts. And for their sake, I hope that it happens. I’m looking foward to four years of a different kind of misery, not the same.